My name is Caitlin Feuer and I'll be your writing mentor this semester. I'm very excited to work with you, to get to know you and your writing style and to participate in this learning process with you.
I am a senior at Drake, getting ready to hopefully go to graduate school for Women's Studies next year. In college I study writing, rhetoric and communication, women's studies and sociology. I'm originally from Detroit, Michigan, but moved to Illinois when I was nine. My mom still lives there, but I've been living in Des Moines since 2008. I even stayed in town this past summer and worked at a day camp out in Waukee. In high school, I wrote for the newspaper and was involved with drama and German clubs. In college, I'm super busy and fill my time in class or doing homework, spending time with my sorority sisters, going to meetings for Honors Student Council, Hillel, Students for Women's Issues and a Greek honor society for which I am the programming chair, as well as interning for the Iowa Coalition Against Domestic Violence and teaching religious school.
Now I'm going to tell you a bit about myself as a writer. I've always enjoyed writing and I actually started out as a journalism major in college. By the end of my first year, though, I realized journalistic writing was not the style I preferred, nor was it the career path I desired to take. I eventually happened upon my writing major, which is different from an English major because we focus more on writing than on literature. One major writing battle I fight is to avoid using passive voice, i.e. saying "I have read that book" instead of "I read that book." It's not a very good habit and makes my writing wordier. Whenever I review my own writing I strive to get rid of the helping verbs because it makes my writing sound more concise. Speaking of conciseness, sometimes I get wordy so when I edit my own work, I read everything aloud in the hopes of catching wordy sentences. From teaching religious school, I found not only do my students learn when I teach them, but I also learn from them. In preparing lessons and from the surprising answers my fifth grade students give me, I learn. Ideally, such a mutual learning relationship can occur between us. I want you to know I do not view you as one of my students. We will be in a partnership this semsester and I hope that I can assist you in becoming a better writer and that my experiences preparing for and discussing your writing will teach me things too.
Hopefully, this letter was not too long and boring for you. Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Sincerely,
Caitlin
It's nice to meet you, well read about you heh!
Ok so I guess it's my turn. My name is Amela Tokic and I'm a Senior at Roosevelt, I'm graduating a year early so that's pretty exciting (: . I took a lot of classes that you took , Women and Literature and Journalisn so that's pretty cool that we have that in common. I, too, was also going to sign up for the Yearbook and Neyspaper club but I just couldn't I already had all the classes that I needed and my schedule is was too full. We also had Bosnian Group at Roosevelt and we had this project that we had to do, about Against Domestic Violence. I was on of the lucky students that went to Washington D.C the summer before the last one and I got to meet other groups who were in other programs and I learned a lot, we also held an event in Des Moines in Feburary and we made posters, stickers,pens, shirts. It was really fun. I have pictures and when we meet I can show you some of them.
As for my writing, I was always told I was a good writer which is kind of wierd cause I just never thought that. But I can come up with things and just tie them together and make it flow nicely it's just my grammar sometimes that isn't the best. (In the first paragraph I had to change my grammar, I usually mix together past and present verbs/sentences, which is not good) I also find myself using helping words 'to be' mostly, and it just doesnt sound right. Some good aspects are my organization, I write kind of formal (as you can kind of see, I guess i'm just used to that). People just like how I write. In my Journalism class the teacher let me write about whatever I wanted and always was so impressed with my work. He even put my movie review piece in the school newspaper, that was pretty cool too. I'm actually excited for this little project and to get feed back from you about things and stuff and what you like about my writing and what I should work on.
Looking forward to be working with you this summer .
Hope to hear from you soon,
Amela
Personal Reflection on Topic of Inquiry(posted RHS January 27 -- 171 January 29)
Sunken into your favorite couch half listening half zoning out to the television, you start to analyze your life. Reminiscing on all the good times you once had with a friend you don't even talk to anymore. Thinking about all the times you used to hang out at each others house and all the hours spent on the phone at night talking about boys and the latest gossip. But that's not even the worst part, the worst part is knowing that the reason you two stopped being friends wasn't because you changed and starting viewing life differently, it was because her boyfriend didn't approve of you.
Domestic abuse isn't only defined as physical abuse, but as a pattern of abusive behavior by one or both partners in an intimate relationship. Therefore any kind of behavior whether physical aggression, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, having the need to control and intimidate are all factors of being in an abusive relationship.
Growing up in a Bosnian community, women were generally ranked lower then men. The men were the ones who had the power in the relationship and were known as the top dogs. Even though many kept their problems behind locked doors the effects of an abusive relationship were still on the surface. The women would talk cautiously to their husbands as if they were almost scared to get them angry. You wouldn't see them much outside the household because the husbands strongly discouraged any contact with friends or even family. It almost seemed that the husbands were controlling the entire marriage in the way they wanted it to be.
It wasn't until I was a freshman in high school that I became more familiar with the term 'domestic violence' in Bosnian Group. I seriously thought the way men acted in the Bosnian society was normal. I grew up to only categorizing physical abuse as a factor in an abusive relationship, but in reality it's many more aspects then just that. Our group leader was a former Roosevelt student who now worked for L.U.N.A. which stands for Latinas Unidas Por Un Nuevo Amanacer (Latinas United For A New Dawn.) It was her that helped not only me but the rest of the Bosnian students at Roosevelt understand domestic violence better. Because of all the information we learned and the different topic we discussed we wanted to get the word out to other Bosnians in the Des Moines area. We devoted our time and our energy to this issue in spreading the word.
We didn't only spread the word in Des Moines, but also in Washington D.C. L.U.N.A had sent a grant to an organization in Washington D.C for youth leaders and our grant was accepted. From August 4 to August 8 our group leader, me, and another student from Roosevelt attended the meetings in D.C It was there were we got a chance to spread the idea of stopping domestic abuse even further.
I've learned that domestic violence can come in many forms. Its an epidemic where it's affecting effecting everyone regardless of age, race, religion, gender, if it's just the victim, or the victims family and friends. In order to stop the abuse we have to start spreading the word, abuse is just not physical.
Response:
Amela,
I really enjoyed reading your reflection on this topic. It's neat you chose to write about a topic I am interested in too and I am actually currently doing some fundraising for L.U.N.A. through an organization I'm involved in at Drake. When I read your first paragraph I truly did feel transported into an instance in which I was thinking about a former friend, while half listening to the television and half zoning out. This was a good opener for your piece because it is very easy for the reader to relate with it. This being said, I felt the transition from this "imagine" moment to discussing DV was a little rough. I would suggest working on making the connection between such reminiscence and the greater issue of domestic abuse as the topic of your paper more explicit. You could do this by elaborating on the friend's situation with her abusive partner or another way you come up with.
When you go to talk about domestic abuse, I would really recommend getting more of a technical definition from a reliable source like the National Network Against Domestic Violence, or even from L.U.N.A.'s website or a pamphlet. Given the assignment was called a reflection, I don't think having a technical definition is as big of a deal on this assignment, but it is something I would recommend for future papers.
I really enjoyed your third paragraph where you started to give us a glimpse of how gender relations work within the Bosnian community. Please expand! What do you mean by "women were generally ranked lower than men?" How can you demonstrate that it is the men who have power in the relationship? Can you give a specific example or in what instances would we see the power dynamics in play? What would be consequences of disobeying these norms?
One of the sentences I value most in this piece is "I seriously thought the way men acted in the Bosnian society was normal." Not only does this sentence tell me something about you and your cultural background, but it also very importantly reflects the nature of domestic violence and how it can appear as the norm, thus reinforcing your entire essay.
Again, with your fifth and sixth paragraphs I'd like to see more elaboration. How did this woman help you understand domestic violence? What did this new understanding consist of? How did you spread the word? Can you give more details about what occurred in DC while keeping your explanations relevant?
Your last paragraph is strong in that it is a good note to end on and outwardly illustrates your position on the subject. Just make sure your last sentence is always concise and says exactly what you want it to. Remember, this is the last time the reader gets to hear your position.
Overall, great work! You have a solid foundation here and have a lot of good points that you've left me truly wanting to know more about. I think we could work on the flow and clarity of your sentences by rearranging word order, etc., but I had no difficulty understanding your writing. Also, please let me know if you'd like me to do more with mechanics and point out where there can be grammatical improvements or if you'd rather have me continue to focus primarily on content. If you don't know/care that's fine too, I just want to be a resource for you to imporve your writing and you know what you'd like to focus on better than I do.
Hope you're having a great weekend and I look forward to meeting you soon! Rough Draft Definition (posted RHS February 3 -- 171 February 5)
There weren’t many explanations for the different behavioral problems and the reasoning behind them in the past. These behavioral problems were also called abnormal behavior and ranged from compulsive/obsession all the way to hallucinations and phobias. Many of the patients that possessed these behaviors were either classified as having a mind body problem or a mental disorder. A term greatly misinterpreted, control, refers to one having the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events. If you were asked where to place the term control, would you place it in mind body problem category or in the mental disorder category? In order to pick the right spot, we first need to better understand what these two terms mean and how exactly control fits into these categories.
Mind body problem focuses on humanistic behavior such as cause and effect and genetics, while mental disorder focuses on the psychological factor that triggered the persons behavior, actions and/or emotions. Since both are connected to psychological aspects of the brain, the term control needs to be broken down as to where one can see what causes it. There are many factors that can tribute to the development of a controlling behavior, one of them being problems that have occurred in their past, mostly childhood/early teens. These problems can be something simple as the child being controlled by the parents and feeling like they need to obey them. This can trigger an effect on the child to acting the same way as their parents as they get older. Another factor that can contribute to this kind of behavior is being scared. Fear rules their world and by trying to control everything around them they feel as if they can't get hurt or get caught off-guard. (2) (1)
Many people that have a controlling behavior are manipulative and already can predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that in their favor in getting what they want. If a number of people don't fall into their spell of being manipulated the person will develop a paranoia of people being out to get him/her. Since the person is living a lie and presenting themselves as someone else they thrive upon attention and admiration and even go to extremes such as lying in order to mask their insecurities. By belittling people, the manipulator feels inferior to others. Since they feel as if everyone around them sees things the way he does any sort of rejection on his opinions results in his name calling. (3)
Controlling behaviors can not only be found between children and parents who are trying to discipline the but also in relationships. The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his or her thumb at all times. The manipulator can try to threaten you, hurt you, or those around you in order for him or her to have total control and say over you. Another strategy they use is the psychological one whereas they use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to wear you down mentally. Some even more drastic measures manipulators do in order to keep controlling you is to control who, when, and where you go out. They even keep their spouse from seeing their family and friends and limit their access to money and phones in order not to call them. Not only does the manipulator affect the life of their spouse but also the lives of her/his friends and/or family. (4)
The only way to treat controlling behavior is to accept yourself as you are. When a person doesn't feel helpless over other people's emotions and behavior they won't have the need to feel like controlling them. Feeling helpless over whether a person chooses to be loving and accepting towards us or judgmental and rejecting towards us builds the bases of having to control the other persons feelings. By learning how to manage anxiety which can be triggered by feeling helpless it will help you not to have to need of micro-managing everything around you. Controlling your moods will help you pause before trying to act on the fear you are feeling. Since worrying has been the known hobby for the person, they have to find something else to keep their minds off of things they have absolutely no control over. (5)
Whether you placed control under mind body problems or under mental disorders the effects of this behavior are virtually the same. They not only hurt the person who has the controlling behavior but others around them: spouses, family, and friends. Because many things can trigger this kind of behavior in a person, the only way to stop and cure it is to make the person understand they can't have absolute control of everything. If someone is the one being controlled they need to understand it's not their fault and they aren't the reason their loved ones are acting like this. By helping the person in need realize that sometimes they can't just have everything in their way will help them open up and understand how to better accept the world around them.
Caitlin's feedback:
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There weren’t many explanations for the different behavioral problems and the reasoning behind them in the past. These behavioral problems were also called abnormal behavior and ranged from compulsive/obsession all the way to hallucinations and phobias. Many of the patients that possessed these behaviors were either classified as having a mind body problem or a mental disorder. (I have trouble understanding these first few sentences. You seem to really jump in without introducing your topic. Can you clarify what behavioral problems you’re talking about? I’m confused as to where this information is coming from and how it relates to control) A term greatly misinterpreted, control, refers to one having the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events (good, I think it’s important to draw on power in your definition. It was very clear to me you were defining your term of choice, control, here.) . If you were asked where to place the term control, would you place it in mind body problem category or in the mental disorder category? (I’m confused where these categories are coming from? Why would I be asked to put the term under a category?) In order to pick the right spot, we first need to better understand what these two terms mean and how exactly control fits into these categories. (Great. Clearly your thesis. Remember to revisit this statement after revising your paper to make sure your thesis reflects the revised essay).
Mind body problem focuses on humanistic behavior such as cause and effect and genetics, while mental disorder focuses on the psychological factor that triggered the persons behavior, actions and/or emotions (wow! You covered a lot right here. The reader would be well served if you unpacked ‘humanistic behavior,’ ‘psychological factor’ ‘triggered’ more. Does that make sense? These terms are loaded within themselves and in order for the reader to stay with you for the remainder of the paper, it would probably be useful to make sure the reader is on the same page as you are). Since both are connected to psychological aspects of the brain, the term control needs to be broken down as to where one can see what causes it (This seems like a big jump from your previous statement). There are many factors that can tribute to the development of a controlling behavior , one of them being problems that have occurred in their past, mostly childhood/early teens. These problems can be something simple as the child being controlled by the parents and feeling like they need to obey them (this is good, but can you give a more specific example in which you describe a specific incident? Also, how is a controlling behavior for a parent different from the parent simply disciplining a child? You may want to explore this distinction). This can trigger an effect on the child to acting the same way as their parents as they get older (how? Can you explain this notion of trigger?). Another factor that can contribute to this kind of behavior is being scared. Fear rules their world and by trying to control everything around them they feel as if they can't get hurt or get caught off-guard. (Again, can you elaborate? How scared must a person be before s/he is being controlled? Can you follow up this last statement with an explanation, perhaps an example or anecdote?)
Many people that have a controlling behavior are manipulative and already can predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that in their favor in getting what they want. (What do you mean by manipulative and how does this relate to control?)If a number of people don't fall into their spell of being manipulated the person will develop a paranoia of people being out to get him/her (how do you know?). Since the person is living a lie and presenting themselves as someone else they thrive upon attention and admiration and even go to extremes such as lying in order to mask their insecurities (what do you mean ‘living a lie?’ are you sure?). By belittling people, the manipulator feels inferior to others. Since they feel as if everyone around them sees things the way he does any sort of rejection on his opinions results in his name calling.
Controlling behaviors can not only be found between children and parents who are trying to discipline the but also in relationships. The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his or her thumb at all times. The manipulator can try to threaten you, hurt you, or those around you in order for him or her to have total control and say over you (What effect does using the pronoun ‘you’ instead of ‘victim’ ‘controlee’ or another word have? How might the reader feel when they see the person who is being controlled is them?). Another strategy they use is the psychological one whereas they use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to wear you down mentally. Some even more drastic measures manipulators do in order to keep controlling you is to control who, when, and where you go out. They even keep their spouse from seeing their family and friends and limit their access to money and phones in order not to call them. Not only does the manipulator affect the life of their spouse but also the lives of her/his friends and/or family. (Good examples. Could you introduce these earlier in order to sooner illustrate what control looks like?)
The only way to treat controlling behavior is to accept yourself as you are. (Is this within the focus of your paper? The scope of the assignment?) When a person doesn't feel helpless over other people's emotions and behavior they won't have the need to feel like controlling them. Feeling helpless over whether a person chooses to be loving and accepting towards us or judgmental and rejecting towards us builds the bases of having to control the other persons feelings. By learning how to manage anxiety which can be triggered by feeling helpless it will help you not to have to need of micro-managing everything around you (wasn’t the ‘you’ used earlier discussing the victim? Now it seems to be describing the abuser. This is a bit confusing.). Controlling your moods will help you pause before trying to act on the fear you are feeling. Since worrying has been the known hobby for the person, they have to find something else to keep their minds off of things they have absolutely no control over.
Whether you placed control under mind body problems or under mental disorders the effects of this behavior are virtually the same (have you really explored these categories? What does doing so add/take away from your argument/definition?). They not only hurt the person who has the controlling behavior but others around them: spouses, family, and friends. Because many things can trigger this kind of behavior in a person, the only way to stop and cure it is to make the person understand they can't have absolute control of everything (how is this related to the definition of control?). If someone is the one being controlled they need to understand it's not their fault and they aren't the reason their loved ones are acting like this. By helping the person in need realize that sometimes they can't just have everything in their way will help them open up and understand how to better accept the world around them.
Amela,
You have a lot going on in your definition essay! It is clear you have thought much about control and want to explore the topic further. You have a lot of good ideas.
The task of this assignment is to write a definition essay in which you tell the readers how you define the term and to use facts, examples or anecdotes that can help the reader understand. You do offer a clear definition of control, which is great.
One broad point I hope you’ll consider is where your knowledge about control comes from. Does it come from personal experience/stories you’ve heard? Perhaps share with us those specific stories. Does it come from reading about control in a sociology or psychology class? Illustrate this to us. If you show your reader the source of your knowledge, they will be more likely to trust you and to agree with you.
You introduce a lot of big concepts like manipulation, mind body problems, mental disorders and how to help someone who is controlling/being controlled. Is this really in the scope of defining the word? Exploring so much in this essay makes it difficult for me to relate it all to your topic of control. Have you considered why you included these categories in your definition essay? How can you more clearly tie manipulation and control together? I would strongly recommend you clarify your focus, making sure the essay fulfills the assignment of defining and explaining control.
I’ve give you a lot of feedback. I hope it’s not too overwhelming for you and that it makes sense. You’re off to a nice start, but in order for you to do an in depth study of defining control, it may be a good idea to narrow your focus to just control. If you have any questions/comments, etc. feel free to post back before turning in your next draft.
Caitlin
No it's fine, i want to see what i'm doing wrong and what things i need to improve on. I'm sorry that i haven't gotten on here and responded back. But you gave me a lot of tips and it helped me. Sometimes the way you write it it makes sense to you, but to others its like what? I was trying to make it sound smart so i ended up over thinking it... Thanks for your help and being honest and stuff now i know what to work on and change to make my paper even better.
Revision Definition (posted RHS February 10 -- 171 February 12 )
There are many problems that can occur in a relationship; cheating, lying, or just simply arguing. The worst part of being in a relationship, I've seen, is if someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend who is controlling. The term, controlling, defined by dictionary.com refers to one having the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.
There are many causes that can lead to a controlling person. One of the main ones being problems that have occurred in their past, mostly childhood/early teens. These problems can be something simple as the child being controlled by the parents and feeling like they need to obey them. Controlling behavior from a parents is usually put off as the parents disciplining their child but in reality when a parent used control on their child they want to have absolute control like in a totalitarian government. According to persweb.wabash.edu the parent or parents wants to shape and control all the child’s behavior. Instead of helping the child develop their own point of views and ideas the parent wants them to develop the same idea structure they have and for the child not to question the parent because the child should accept their word for what is right. A parent who disciplines their child wants to help them grow into a responsible human being. Therefore, instead of controlling their thinking process, a parent who disciplines guides the child into developing an understandment between right and wrong and which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Having a controlling parent can lead the child to act the same way as their parents as they get older.
Those who end up developing a controlling behavior end up being manipulative. Since their main objective is to alter a persons way of thinking they go through a lot of trouble to make sure you end up thinking similarly as to them. They are able to predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that in their favor in getting what they want. Stated on freedom4captives.wordpress.com, if people around them don't fall into their spell of being manipulated the person will develop a paranoia of people being out to get him or her. This paranoia can lead to many other problems such as the person having the need to live a lie in order to present themselves as someone else to feel accepted by others and hide their insecurities.
Because a controlling person develops a lot of insecurities about themselves this posses the most threat in relationships. The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his or her thumb at all times. The manipulator may try to threaten, hurt the person or any other people around them in order for him or her to have total control and say over the person. Another strategy they use is the psychological one whereas they use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear down the person mentally. Some even more drastic measures the controller does is by controlling who, when, and where the partner goes out. They even keep them from seeing their family and friends. My friend was a victim of being in a controlling relationship. Her boyfriend had to know where she was, with whom, and what she was doing every second of the day. It first was considered cute by us that he worried so much about her, but after some time the calls didn't die out, they only multiplied. Pretty soon she wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone except for him. He cut all ties with her contacting her friends and made sure she spend every second of the day with him, and only him. We had to give her a convention about her boyfriend and his behavior, it took some time but, we convinced her the best move for her was to break up and cut all contact with him.
(I don't know how to make a good conclusion....)
By exercising authoritative or dominating influence over a person, not only does the manipulator affect the life of their partner but also the lives of his or her friends and or family.
Caitlin's Feedback:
There are many problems that can occur in a relationship such as cheating, lying, or just simply arguing. The worst part of being in a relationship (I would stay away from making value statements such as this one and say something along the lines of when someone is in a controlling relationship it can be dangerous/problematic, etc.), I've seen, is if someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend who is controlling. The term, controlling, (I would lead with the term so the focus is clear) defined by dictionary.com refers to one having the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.
There are many causes that can lead to a controlling person. One of the main ones being (confusing. When you go back and revise try to take out words you deem unnecessary. This will make your writing more concise, direct, to the point and sound better too. For example you could say “One of the many causes that can lead to controlling behavior is…)problems that have occurred in their past, mostly childhood/early teens. These problems can be something simple as the child being controlled by the parents and feeling like they need to obey them (it is hard for us to know what it would be like to have controlling parents since you haven’t yet showed us what control is. Would you consider defining controlling behavior and then later exploring possible causes?). Controlling behavior from a parents is usually put off as the parents disciplining their child but in reality when a parent used control on their child they want to have absolute control like in a totalitarian government (here would be a great place for a specific example). . According to persweb.wabash.edu the parent or parents wants to shape and control all the child’s behavior (how does this tell us something we don’t already know? Remember, research should serve to expand on the points you’ve already made) . Instead of helping the child develop their own point of views and ideas the parent wants them to develop the same idea structure they have and for the child not to question the parent because the child should accept their word for what is right (this is a run-on sentence, which makes it difficult to understand the point you’re trying to get across.). A parent who disciplines their child wants to help them grow into a responsible human being. Therefore, instead of controlling their thinking process, a parent who disciplines guides the child into developing an understandment between right and wrong and which behaviors are acceptable and which are not (I think you’re trying to say that instead of trying to control their children, it is better for parents to teach their children so they can think for themselves. Is this what you’re trying to say?). Having a controlling parent can lead the child to act the same way as their parents as they get older. (So what? Can you illustrate why this is important?)
Those who end up developing a controlling behavior end up being manipulative. Since their main objective is to alter a person’s way of thinking they go through a lot of trouble to make sure you end up thinking similarly as to them (make sure you’re consistent with the pronouns such as person, person’s). They are able to predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that in their favor in getting what they want (HOW?). Stated on freedom4captives.wordpress.com, if people around them don't fall into their spell of being manipulated the person will develop a paranoia of people being out to get him or her (careful. Wordpress is a blog site, anyone can post anything. Can you find something more credible like a university’s psychology department, a psychology textbook or a resource from a domestic violence organization?). This paranoia can lead to many other problems such as the person having the need to live a lie in order to present themselves as someone else to feel accepted by others and hide their insecurities (are you talking about stalking here?).
Because a controlling person develops a lot of insecurities about themselves(need a comma here) this poses the most threat in relationships (most threat as compared to what?). The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his or her thumb at all times. The manipulator may try to threaten, hurt the person or any other people around them in order for him or her to have total control and say over the person (why?). Another strategy they use is the psychological one whereas they use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear down the person mentally (how?). Some even more drastic measures the controller does is by controlling who, when, and where the partner goes out. They even keep them from seeing their family and friends. My friend was a victim of being in a controlling relationship. Her boyfriend had to know where she was, with whom, and what she was doing every second of the day. It first was considered cute by us that he worried so much about her, but after some time the calls didn't die out, they only multiplied. Pretty soon she wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone except for him. He cut all ties with her contacting her friends and made sure she spend every second of the day with him, and only him. We had to give her a convention (do you mean intervention?) about her boyfriend and his behavior, it took some time but, we convinced her the best move for her was to break up and cut all contact with him. (great example!)
(I don't know how to make a good conclusion....)
By exercising authoritative or dominating influence over a person, not only does the manipulator affect the life of their partner but also the lives of his or her friends and or family. (good start!)
Amela,
I can really notice a difference between your first draft and your revision. It is much better and I’ve noted some parts I really liked in the body of your work.
That being said, there’s still much to be done! You’ve done a nice job of refining your focus around control. You define control as having the power to influence one’s behavior or course of events. In your parent example, however, you talk about controlling a child’s viewpoint. Does this really fit in with your definition of control? Until the last example about your friend, you seem to only discuss attempt to controlling a child’s viewpoint, not his/her behavior. Can you adjust your examples to fit your definition and/or your definition to include your examples?
I really liked your example about your friend. It was concrete and specific. Rather than discussing possible behaviors, you shared something that really happened and why it was controlling. Is there a reason why you saved this until the end? If you’ll notice, my main critique in the text for the paragraphs after your intro was wanting to know more and get specific examples from you. I think it could work really well if you take the example about your friend (maybe give him and her fake names so you can easily refer to them) and focus your paper around how it illustrates control. By illustrating what a controlling person looks like through your friend’s story, the audience will be able to understand much better what control means. Whenever you introduce a new notion of control you can pair it with an example about your friend. Alternatively, you could tell your friend’s story and talk about the various behaviors the boyfriend had, explaining why they are problematic. Or you could come up with a different way to organize your paper.
What I would like to see most in your final draft is a fuller illustration of what controlling behavior is. You’ve got a great start and your story about your friend is a great place to build on. Think about it this way: if I were writing a definition paper about cheating on tests in school, I could say “cheating is when a student unethically gets an answer for an assignment or a test” and move on to my next point. Alternatively, I could follow up that statement saying “for example, if a student were to look over at another student’s math test and copy down the work the student had written, that would be cheating. Also, if a student looked up the answer on his/her smart phone when the teacher was not looking, wrote it down and turned in his test that would be cheating.” With the specific examples, which include circumstances and a description of behaviors, it is much more concrete, real and understandable what cheating is. If you go that one extra step and tell us a brief story of manipulative and/or controlling behavior (from your friend’s boyfriend or otherwise) I believe your paper would be much more convincing.
Finally, your conclusion is off to a great start. After that first sentence you may wish to remind us about some main points and restate your thesis, but in different words. The very last sentence of a paper can be the hardest, but the best. In the last statement you want to leave your reader with something to thing about, something to walk away with. Maybe it’s a new idea that’s based on the rest of your paper, or it’s a call for the reader to do something or an explanation why this topic is important. Play around with some ideas; I have faith you’ll figure it out
I’m looking forward to seeing your next and final draft!
Final Definition (posted RHS February 17 -- 171 February 19 )
There are a variety of distresses that can be found in a relationship such as cheating, lying, or just simply arguing. A problematic and even dangerous situation that I've seen, is someone having a boyfriend who is controlling. The term controlling, defined by dictionary.com refers to “one having the power to influence or direct someones behavior. “ I've gotten the misfortune of not only seeing what controlling behavior was, but, how it affected the victim and her loved ones.
The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his thumb at all times. He takes drastic measures such as controlling who, when, and where his girlfriend goes out. He even keeps his girlfriend from seeing her family and friends. In the situation with my friend, Audrey, and her boyfriend, Nick,he was always calling her wanting to know where she was and with whom. It was first considered cute by us that he cared so much about her, but, after a while it got bizarre. Whenever I asked Audrey to hang out with me, her first response was that she needed to call up Nick as if asking for his permission. If that wasn't strange enough, they kept texting back and forth when it was supposed to be just girl time with me and her. When she didn't text back right away, Nick would call her immediately. There were many occasions where I advised Audrey not to pick up. She would hesitate like when someone pulls up to a street where they've never been and second guessing if they should turn left or right. Audrey didn't know if she should answer the phone or let it ring until it eventually went to voice mail. Before Audrey dated Nick, Audrey and I would go out every weekend, but, after she started seeing him I saw less of Audrey each day. When I confronted her about it, she would simply reply that she wanted to spend more time getting to know Nick. It hadn't occurred to me what he was doing to her until our other friends also started complaining about never seeing her. They were all mentioning how whenever they called her she was with Nick. He was slowly taking her away from us, but, controlling who she hung out with wasn't the only way he had impacted her.
Another strategy a controlee uses is the psychological one whereas they use guilt, shame, and intimidation to get her to do exactly what he wants. It took some time to get Audrey to only hang out with him, but, eventually Nick got what he wanted, Audrey all to himself. When she was with me or her other girlfriends, Nick played the guilt card on her. After continuously texting her he would suddenly stop. When she called him he would state how she never wanted to spend time with him only her friends. He was the one who was in a relationship with her and not her friends. Because she began developing feelings for him Audrey yearned to keep him happy. Although Nick always wanted Audrey to himself, there were times where he would take her out in public to teen clubs. Seeing her outside the four walls of her room was a relief to me, but, each week I saw her she would be more covered up. Her excuse was that she wasn't a single girl anymore and therefore, she shouldn't be dressing as if she was. Nick didn't want to have any problems with other guys drooling over her, so had suggested wearing more appropriate clothes when she accompanied him. Seeing Audrey change from wearing her usual bright colored dresses, adorable pumps, and flashing accessories to flats and casual wear reflected on a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, but, instead of the normal process it was switched to a butterfly turning into the the ugly caterpillar. Nick managed to not only dictate who Audrey hung out with but limit what she wore.
The easiest step the controller can take in order for her to follow their orders is to use self harm or even threaten to hurt his partner or any other person around them. Their were many occurrences when Nick called up Audrey blubbering, barking at her how she didn't love him. The real reason wasn't that, it was that Audrey wasn't with Nick and he didn't like the fact that he wasn't examining her every move. He would state how he was going to cut himself and hurt himself because he felt she didn't love him enough to spend more time with him versus her friends. By Nick using this strategy Audrey felt obligated to always having to be with him. If she didn't, she feared he would actually go through with it and would lose Nick forever.
Those who end up developing a controlling behavior eventually lead them to be manipulative. Since their main objective is to alter their girlfriends actions they go through a lot of trouble to make sure they do just that. They are able to predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that later in his favor in getting what he wants. Since Nick wanted Audrey all to himself he figured out things that affects her deeply such as calling her easy by the clothes she wore and saying he was going to hurt himself in order to get his way which was her not hanging out with her other friends. Playing mind tricks on her, Nick was always winning.
By exercising authoritative or dominating influence over a person, not only does the manipulator affect the life of their partner but also the lives of her friends and family. They can use different approaches in getting what they want. This can range from something like controlling who she is with when she's not with him, threatening to hurt himself, his girlfriend, or her loved ones, or even using techniques such as guilt and shame. After seeing the negative affects Nick was doing to Audrey we decided to give her an intervention. We stated the changes we saw in Nick and Audrey once they started dating. Once we explained his behavior and how it wasn't normal Audrey finally gave into our plea in breaking up with him. It was considered the best move for her, and in order to get her social life back together she had to promise to cut all contact with him. This situation not only helped Audrey open her eyes, but, our eyes also to what was considered acceptable in a relationship.
Caitlin's Feedback:
There are a variety of distresses that can be found in a relationship such as cheating, lying, or just simply arguing. A problematic and even dangerous situation that I've seen, is someone having a boyfriend who is controlling. The term controlling, defined by dictionary.com refers to “one having the power to influence or direct someones behavior. “ I've gotten the misfortune of not only seeing what controlling behavior was, but, how it affected the victim and her loved ones.
The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his thumb at all times. (how do we know this?) He takes drastic measures such as controlling who, when, and where his girlfriend goes out. He even keeps his girlfriend from seeing her family and friends. In the situation with my friend, Audrey, and her boyfriend, Nick, he was always calling her wanting to know where she was and with whom. It was first considered cute by us that he cared so much about her, but, after a while it got bizarre. Whenever I asked Audrey to hang out with me, her first response was that she needed to call up Nick as if asking for his permission. ( so? What do you hope the reader will gain from this statement? Is your point coming across clearly?) If that wasn't strange enough, they kept texting back and forth when it was supposed to be just girl time with me and her. When she didn't text back right away, Nick would call her immediately. There were many occasions where I advised Audrey not to pick up. She would hesitate like when someone pulls up to a street where they've never been and second guessing if they should turn left or right (this seems a bit confusing. I think you’re trying to add figurative language, but it just made me unsure of the point you were trying to make. Perhaps stay with more literal language here or clarify your point further). Audrey didn't know if she should answer the phone or let it ring until it eventually went to voice mail (so?). Before Audrey dated Nick, Audrey and I would go out every weekend, but, after she started seeing him I saw less of Audrey each day. When I confronted her about it, she would simply reply that she wanted to spend more time getting to know Nick. It hadn't occurred to me what he was doing to her until our other friends also started complaining about never seeing her. They were all mentioning how whenever they called her she was with Nick. He was slowly taking her away from us, but, controlling who she hung out with wasn't the only way he had impacted her.
Another strategy a controlee (controller. Controlee would refer to the person being controlled, Audrey) uses is the psychological one whereas they use guilt, shame, and intimidation to get her to do exactly what he wants. It took some time to get Audrey to only hang out with him, but, eventually Nick got what he wanted, Audrey all to himself (expand. Are you sharing this to demonstrate what control looks like? Or its harmful effects? Or for another reason?). When she was with me or her other girlfriends, Nick played the guilt card on her. After continuously texting her he would suddenly stop. When she called him he would state how she never wanted to spend time with him only her friends (there are a lot of him/hers in this statement. Can you substitute the pronouns with their names or somehow make it less confusing to work out who was saying what?). He was the one who was in a relationship with her and not her friends (are friendships not relationships? What is the significance of this statement?). Because she began developing feelings for him Audrey yearned to keep him happy. Although Nick always wanted Audrey to himself, there were times where he would take her out in public to teen clubs. (should this be a new paragraph) Seeing her outside the four walls of her room was a relief to me, but, each week I saw her she would be more covered up. Her excuse was that she wasn't a single girl anymore and therefore, she shouldn't be dressing as if she was (why is this problematic? What does this statement teach us about control?). Nick didn't want to have any problems with other guys drooling over her, so had (who suggested?) suggested wearing more appropriate clothes when she accompanied him. Seeing Audrey change from wearing her usual bright colored dresses, adorable pumps, and flashing accessories to flats and casual wear reflected on a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, but, instead of the normal process it was switched to a butterfly turning into the the ugly caterpillar (I would consider playing around with this sentence. Is it clearer or beter sounding if you put the caterpillar metaphor in the first half of the sentence? How does the sentence act if you cut the metaphor and add more description of her outfit, engaging in colors and/or senses?) . Nick managed to not only dictate who Audrey hung out with but limit what she wore (what does this have to do with control?).
The easiest step the controller can take in order for her to follow their orders is to use self harm or even threaten to hurt his partner or any other person around them. Their were many occurrences when Nick called up Audrey blubbering, barking at her how she didn't love him (was he blubbering or barking? When would he do this? Would it be in response to not getting something he wanted from her? In other parts of his life?). The real reason wasn't that, it was that Audrey wasn't with Nick and he didn't like the fact that he wasn't examining her every move (this is a bit wordy. Can you cut some words out in order to make your point clearer?). He would state how he was going to cut himself and hurt himself because he felt she didn't love him enough to spend more time with him versus her friends. By Nick using this strategy Audrey felt obligated to always having to be with him. If she didn't, she feared he would actually go through with it and would lose Nick forever. (Maybe he was playing on her guilt too?)
Those who end up developing a controlling behavior eventually lead them to be manipulative (who leads what?). Since their main objective is to alter their girlfriends actions they go through a lot of trouble to make sure they do just that (can you clarify? This seems a bit hypothetical and makes it difficult to find what you’re getting at…). They are able to predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that later in his favor in getting what he wants. Since Nick wanted Audrey all to himself he figured out things that affects her deeply such as calling her easy by the clothes she wore and saying he was going to hurt himself in order to get his way which was her not hanging out with her other friends. Playing mind tricks on her, Nick was always winning. (you’re doing a lot here…)
By exercising authoritative or dominating influence over a person, not only does the manipulator affect the life of their partner but also the lives of her friends and family (good). They can use different approaches in getting what they want. This can range from something like controlling who she is with when she's not with him (how did he do that again? I’ve forgotten already), threatening to hurt himself, his girlfriend, or her loved ones, or even using techniques such as guilt and shame. After seeing the negative affects Nick was doing to Audrey we decided to give her an intervention. We stated the changes we saw in Nick and Audrey once they started dating. Once we explained his behavior and how it wasn't normal (if his behavior was ‘normal’ would you then view it as acceptable?) Audrey finally gave into our plea in breaking up with him (was that controlling of you and your friends? Why (not)?) . It was considered the best move for her, and in order to get her social life back together she had to promise to cut all contact with him. This situation not only helped Audrey open her eyes, but, our eyes also to what was considered acceptable (acceptable? Is this the best word choice?) in a relationship. (what happened next? With Audrey and/or you and your friends? What’s happened since?)
Amela,
Nice work! Your use of your friend’s story was great and definitely engaged me as a reader. I wanted to keep reading your essay to find out what happened and hearing you talk about your friend allowed me to empathize with her experience.
While Audrey and Nick’s story is certainly relevant to the definition of control, I did not see you drawing much on the term. You occasionally (primarily at the beginning of a new paragraph) call Nick a controller, but you don’t reinforce how this story relates to control. Why are these stories being told in your definition of control essay? While I can guess, the reader should not have to. Remember, examples should exist to support claims, which backup your thesis. Your examples are clear, but I am having trouble finding the claims they are supporting. Perhaps make these claims clearer and you will have a stronger argument for what your definition of control is. Even in my first paragraph of this response, I respond directly to your use of your friend’s story, not to your definition of control. It was tough to find your position amongst your great examples.
Another minor point is to consider the different uses of affect/effect. Affect is a verb; my lack of sleep affected my ability to concentrate in class. Effect is a noun; the effect of my sleep deprivation was a difficulty concentrating in class. See the difference? I would look back where you used “affect” or “effect” and make sure you’re using the correct word.
Overall, I think you did a great job. I’m impressed with the amount of work you put into this draft and the way you told your friends’ story. I’m looking forward to continuing this process with your next assignment. Reflection #1 (posted RHS February 20 -- 171 February 22)
The purpose of my paper was to inform people on control on how it looks like and how it affects more then just the victim. My intended audience was not a specific group of people, just people in general, people who have experienced control in a relationship or to the everyday person to show them the negatives. The exigence of the paper was to show not only how a person can negatively influence another but how controlling behavior affects everyone around the person who is being controlled. I created a tone by actually trying to show how control looks like. I used personal experience to deepen what I was trying to get across.(control affects everyone). A lot of examples also and scenarios that happened, so the reader can picture the different situations. The main theme of my paper is once again, control affects everyone.
Sounds good to me! Do you think you were effective at fulfilling your intended goals, tone, etc.? What could you do better in the next round of papers? Rough Draft Comparison (posted RHS February 24 -- 171 February 26 )
The practices favored by American parents to influence the actions and character of their offspring have varied from family to family. The main goal of each family is to raise a child who can function properly (is it? What do you mean by properly and is it the same for each family?) in society but how parents go about that goal is often questioned (by whom and for what purpose?). An issue that comes up regularly in raising children is the difference between controlling the child and disciplining the child (I totally agree. But who is this question coming up for? The parents of the child or the child's friends or...? The answer to these questions will help provide context for your writing and for the reader to understand your writing). These can be confused in how it is practiced but there is not question that there is a major difference in the purpose and results (Who can confuse what? how come? what major difference? I think you're touching on something important—perhaps a potential thesis, but I'm wondering what I'm supposed to get out of this statement... how can you more clearly articulate your purpose here?)
Discipline is a positive method of teaching a child self-control and confidence (but what should be considered discipline?). The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for their own behavior and actions. Since the parent wants to help their child grow into a responsible human being they help guide them by developing an understatement between right and wrong. They focus on how the child is behaving in the present time and how the parents wants them to behave in the future (is this the same as knowing right versus wrong?). This process can start off first at what the child is expected and allowed to do to teaching them how to get along with people (how?). This parenting method helps children understand their own behavior better and respect themselves and others.
Control, although it may look like discipline, its a different technique some parents use (what's the relationship between control and discipline? can a controlling parent use discipline? a disciplining parent use methods of control?). They're looked at as the puppet masters since they want to dictate the actions of their child. The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar ideas structures as the parent. The parent usually tends to follow traditional structure they think is right. Even though parents like these also want to raise independent and responsible children they do this buy using highly demanded directions. Parents expect their child to obey them without question because there is no need for an explanation. It's either their way or the high way. The child better behave because they are looked at as representing the parent (but how does control work?).
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as the same thing they are different from each other in many ways. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more and helping guide the child into what is considered the right direction for them. Control, on the other hand, the child has no say in the parenting styles of the parent and must follow the parents directions. The disciplinary and controlling parents might have one thing in common, molding what they believe will be productive adults in society, but there is not doubt that the outcomes of these two parenting styles are quite contrary.
Amela,
I think you have a start here. In this last paragraph I bolded and italicized two sentences that I view as critical to your paper. You define what control is, what discipline is and compare the two. You are very direct in these two sentences so there is no mistaking what you are trying to say. Why have you placed these sentences in your conclusion, rather than earlier in your draft? (P.S. for someone who claimed not to know how to write a conclusion, you wrote a great one here!)
Remember how in the last draft it was easier to understand what you meant by control by using specific examples? Could this tactic be useful again in this essay?
With the exception of the marked sentences in your conclusion, I am unsure of how you are comparing the two concepts right now. You make it clear you view discipline as good "discipline is a positive method..." and you view control as different from discipline. How are they different?
You mention the categories can overlap or one can look like the other, which I think are great points to bring up, but I would love to see expansion on how this can happen/how and why we can tell the difference between discipline and control. What factors go into deciding if something is controlling or just effective forms of discipline? How can you illustrate the distinction?
I am left confused as to what the difference is. This essay may be tricky because can be a fine line between controlling and disciplining (and depending on who you ask you may get a different answer for the same actions). I think you can tackle this tricky topic as long as you in mind the comparison you want to set up and illustrate it in your writing.
Looking forward to your next draft!
Revision Comparison (posted RHS March 2 -- 171 March 4)
How parents prefer to influence their children's actions and character have varied from family to family, but a common goal all parents have is to raise healthy kids, who are emotionally secure, confident, and are capable of making good choices. A parenting issue that comes up regularly by the media and other parents is the difference in controlling and disciplining a child. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more and helping guide the child into what is considered the right direction for them. Control, on the other hand, is were the child has no influence in the way parenting goes and are required to follow the parents directions.
Discipline is used in order to teach a child self-control and confidence. The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for their own behavior and actions. If a child were presented by two options, being able to go see a new movie that just came out with friends or attend the funeral of a grandparent and spend quality time with their family, the child isn't forced to pick one or the other but is expected to make the choice they believe is right. Since the parent wants to help their child grow into a responsible human being they help guide them by developing an understatement between right and wrong. Choosing the movies over the funeral may seem harmless to the child but the parents will assist the child in understanding how his or her actions affected other people around them such as close family. This parenting method helps children understand their own behavior better and respecting themsevles and others.
Control is where the parents are labelled as the puppet masters since they dictate the actions of their children. The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar idea structures as the parent. The parent usualy tend to follow traditional structure they think is right. In the scenario of the child being presented with either going to the movies or going to the funeral, the parents would demand the child be present at the funeral. Instead of talking about why one chioce would be more acceptable then the other the parent would take the route of dictating where the child would be. Even though parents like these also want to raise independent and responsible young adultsthey do this by using highly demanded directions. Parents expect their child to obey them without question because there is no need for an explanation. It's either their way or the high way.
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as having the same traits such as both directing their child's path in life, discipline uses the technique of helping them understand why something is more important then the other and what consequences can surface in both options, while control simply states the only one right answer in the situation. The disciplinary and controlling parent might have one thing in common, molding what hey believe will be productive adults in society , but ther is no doubt that the purpose and result of these two parenting styles are quite contrary.
Caitlin's Feedback :)
How parents prefer to influence their children's actions and character have varied from family to family, but a common goal all parents have is to raise healthy kids, who are emotionally secure, confident, and are capable of making good choices (I would be careful of what is known as sweeping generalizations, saying something is true in all cases. Do absolutely all parents care about raising healthy children? If your answer is no, consider your word choice of ‘all’) A parenting issue that comes up regularly by the media and other parents is the difference in controlling and disciplining a child. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more (more than…? And how do you find communicating?) and helping guide the child into what is considered the right direction for them. Control, on the other hand, is were the child has no influence in the way parenting goes and are required to follow the parents directions (sure, but I have trouble understanding why they have to follow the directions. What makes them controlled? Is it the consequences if they do not do as the parents say? Is it simply the parenting method What would that look like?).
Discipline is used in order to teach a child self-control and confidence. The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for their (when you say the child you are talking about a singular person, their, however, refers to multiple children. So when you use a child, you must use his/her or say children in order to say their. Make sense?) own behavior and actions. If a child were presented by two options, being able to go see a new movie that just came out with friends or attend the funeral of a grandparent and spend quality time with their family, the child isn't forced to pick one or the other but is expected to make the choice they believe is right (are you sure? Could you make the argument then that if a parent forces a child to go to his/her grandparent’s funeral the parent is controlling? Where is line between a parent having the right to tell the child to do something, be it go to a funeral, clean his/her room or feed the dog, versus being controlling?) . Since the parent wants to help their child grow into a responsible human being they help guide them by developing an understatement between right and wrong. Choosing the movies over the funeral may seem harmless to the child but the parents will assist the child in understanding how his or her actions affected other people around them such as close family. This parenting method helps children understand their own behavior better and respecting themsevles and others.
Control is where the parents are labelled as the puppet masters since they dictate the actions of their children. The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar idea structures as the parent (how can you offer evidence for this claim? Academic or personal would do). The parent usualy tend to follow traditional structure they think is right (what do you mean by traditional structure?). In the scenario of the child being presented with either going to the movies or going to the funeral, the parents would demand the child be present at the funeral. Instead of talking about why one chioce would be more acceptable then(remember, then refers to time, than refers to a comparison) the other the parent would take the route of dictating where the child would be. Even though parents like these also want to raise independent and responsible young adultsthey do this by using highly demanded directions (again, is this not the right of a parent to some extent? Is it not necessary for control to be exercised in order to discipline? Where is the line between being disciplinary, controlling, letting a child run free to do whatever she pleases and a child not having any control over her own life?). Parents expect their child to obey them without question because there is no need for an explanation (is this true? What if the child does not obey? What then?). It's either their way or the high way.
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as having the same traits such as both directing their child's path in life, discipline uses the technique of helping them understand why something is more important then the other and what consequences can surface in both options, while control simply states the only one right answer in the situation (this sentence is really long and I got lost in it. Can you maybe make this into two sentences and/or take out unnecessary words?). The disciplinary and controlling parent might have one thing in common, molding what hey believe will be productive adults in society (a note on style, rather than separating this clause by commas, try using dashes—like this—totally up to you, but thought I would throw this idea out to you in case you like the way these look), but ther is no doubt that the purpose and result of these two parenting styles are quite contrary.
Amela, I am impressed with your revision. You take a more direct approach at addressing the similarities and differences between control and discipline. You bring up your definitions in the introduction and I have a clear understanding where your essay will be going and how it all fits together. Nice work!
Do you understand my questions posed at the end of your intro? I understand that controlling parenting is more, well, controlling, than disciplinary. But this is still a bit abstract for me to understand how you’re defining controlling parents. What does controlling parenting look like?
There are many questions I’ve asked in the body of your work that seek to get you to expand. Again, you’re definitely making progress, but there’s much to be done. I understand that you’re trying to make the two categories clean cut so they can be better understood, but I have a feeling they are not as separate as you make them out to be.
Consider where control and discipline overlap. Just because a child is presented with a choice between the ‘wrong’ and ‘right’ thing doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll choose the right thing. What happens then? Is it acceptable for a parent to control the child’s actions and get her to do her chores/brush her teeth/go to school/eat her vegetables, etc.? I certainly don’t have the answer to this question, but I do think it is really important for you to consider where a line is, if there is one. Perhaps explore this idea in your final draft? Up to you, but just consider the effects including and not including the relationship between control/discipline, controlling parenting/controlling actions has on your draft.
Finally, there are a few times where you simply used the wrong words. I have bolded and underlined these words in the text for you. I am unsure whether you missed these errors or you thought you were using the correct word. If you have any questions let me know. I’ve also marked misspellings in the same way.
Keep up the good work! Final Comparison (posted RHS March 9 -- 171 March 11)
How parents prefer to influence their child's actions and character have varied from family to family, but a common goal parents have is to raise healthy kids, who are emotionally secure, confident, and are capable of making good choices once they enter the real world. A parenting issue that comes up regularly by the media and other parents is the difference in controlling and disciplining a child. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more; talking through why some decisions are better then others and helping in guiding the child into what is considered the right path for them. Control is where the child has no influence in decisions, because they are already made for them by the parent. A child who has controlling parents usually ends up not being able to make choices for themselves since they never had while growing up.
Even though some people argue that discipline and control can overlap one another in certain situations, one being when a child is asked if he or she wants to eat their vegetables and they say no, but end up eating it because their parents say to, a controlling parent-in my eyes- isn't considered controlling until they develop that recurring behavior of dictating their child's behavior and actions. Therefore, the characteristics of discipline and control are different.
Discipline is used in order to teach a child self-control and confidence. The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for his or her own behavior and actions. Discipline can start from a young age such as prohibiting the child hitting another child in elementary school and lead up all the way to young adulthood; staying out until a certain curfew. Since it can be advocated from a young age, this consistent structure and teaching of discipline teaches the child their parents desirable behaviors.
For instance, when a little kid is caught eating a cookie before dinner, the parent might not give the child dessert after dinner in order to reflect that the parent dislikes that behavior, therefore the child will then learn not to keep repeating that action. Because the child learns certain rules and the consequences associated with them from a young age, it's possible that that responsibility will carry on with them through adulthood in learning the societies acceptance of behaviors.
Control is where the parents are labeled as the puppet masters since they dictate the actions of their children. The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar idea structures as the parent both what is academically and personally acceptable by the parent, whether its grades received in schools or how actions and behaviors are executed. Since the parent is only focused on what they think and know is right, the child is expected to only live up to their parents expectations; certain ideas and behaviors. This too can be expressed in children in elementary all the way up to young adulthood. When the child goes off to school and the parent constantly chooses what the child has to wear, this limits the growth of learning what is considered right and what is wrong since the parent already provides what is to be worn. Another instance would be as the child gets older and starts being social with their friends in wanting to go out more, the parent dictates when the child will be able to go. Instead of the child choosing places to go, the parent does that for them. This certain parenting style will handicap the child in experiencing the wider world and being able to develop their own unique ideas and choices.
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as having the same traits such as both directing their child's path in life. Discipline uses the technique of helping them understand why something is important and what consequences can surface in certain situations, while control simply states only one view, the parents. The disciplinary and controlling parent might have one thing in common-molding what they believe will be productive adults in society, but discipline uses an open mind whereas control uses restrictive.
Caitlin's Response
How parents prefer to influence their child's actions and character have varied from family to family, but a common goal parents have is to raise healthy kids, who are emotionally secure, confident, and are capable of making good choices once they enter the real world. A parenting issue that comes up regularly by the media and other parents is the difference in controlling and disciplining a child. Nice work. I feel this revised beginning of your intro still gets your point across without expecting all parents to have the same parenting philosophy. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more; talking through why some decisions are better then others and helping in guiding the child into what is considered the right path for them. Can you take some words out so your sentence is more concise? Have you read this essay aloud? Doing so may make it easier to see where you can take words out and improve your clarity. Control is where the child has no influence in decisions, because they are already made for them by the parent. A child who has controlling parents usually ends up not being able to make choices for themselves since they never had while growing up. Thesis?
Even though some people argue that discipline and control can overlap one another in certain situations, one being when a child is asked if he or she wants to eat their vegetables and they say no, but end up eating it because their parents say to, a controlling parent-in my eyes- isn't considered controlling until they develop that recurring behavior of dictating their child's behavior and actions.I have trouble following this long sentence. Perhaps consider making your point then offering the example or offering the example and then analyzing it to make your point. Here, it seems you're making your point and offering the example all within the same sentence. That being said, you give a great explanation that you view control as a recurring behavior dictating a child's behavior and actions. Therefore, the characteristics of discipline and control are different.
Discipline is used in order to teach a child self-control and confidence. Is this the only reason discipline is used? The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for his or her own behavior and actions. Again, is this the only reason? Discipline can start from a young age such as prohibiting the child from (?) hitting another child in elementary school and lead up all the way to young adulthood; staying out until a certain curfew. Since it can be advocated from a young age, this consistent structure and teaching of discipline teaches the child their parents desirable behaviors. (is this a new paragraph?) For instance, when a little kid is caught eating a cookie before dinner, the parent might not give the child dessert after dinner in order to reflect that the parent dislikes that behavior, therefore the child will then learn not to keep repeating that action. what if the child continues to eat cookies before dinner? what then? Because the child learns certain rules and the consequences associated with them from a young age, it's possible that that responsibility will carry on with them through adulthood in learning the societies acceptance of behaviors. Do you think disciplining one behavior can have that much of a profound effect?
Control is where the parents are labeled as the puppet masters since they dictate the actions of their children. Could it be useful to extend this metaphor? Discuss the children as the puppets, why the children are like puppets, etc? The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar idea structures (what do you mean by idea structures?) as the parent both what is academically and personally acceptable by the parent, whether its grades received in schools or how actions and behaviors are executed (are you listing ideas here? How do they fit together?). Since the parent is only focused on what they think and know is right (do they think or know they are right?) , the child is expected to only live up to their parents (don't forget the apostrophe, it is important to show possession) expectations; certain ideas and behaviors. This too can be expressed in children in elementary all the way up to young adulthood. When the child goes off to school and the parent constantly chooses what the child has to wear, this limits the growth of learning what is considered right and what is wrong since the parent already provides what is to be worn (what do you mean by right versus wrong in terms of clothing?). Another instance would be as the child gets older and starts being social with their friends in wanting to go out more, the parent dictates when the child will be able to go. Instead of the child choosing places to go, the parent does that for them. This certain parenting style will handicap the child in experiencing the wider world and being able to develop their own unique ideas and choices. (so are you saying you think the child should be able to go wherever s/he wants? I'm left considering if there is a middle ground or an alternative? Are the only two choices to allow children free reign or to control their every move?)
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as having the same traits such as both directing their child's path in life (this sentence is missing its other half. "Even though" starts off a dependent clause. For example: "even though my friends are going to lunch right now, I'm doing homework." It wouldn't make sense if I just said "even though my friends are going to lunch right now." Does this rule make sense?). Discipline uses the technique of helping them (who's them?) understand why something is important and what consequences can surface in certain situations, while control simply states only one view, the parents (I like this idea of control as showing only one view, the parents' or parent's. Can you explore this further here or elsewhere in your paper?). The disciplinary and controlling parent might have one thing in common-molding what they believe will be productive adults in society, but discipline uses an open mind whereas control uses restrictive (restrictive what?).
Amela,
You're getting there. I think you've made some really good improvements on this draft of you comparison essay. You've more clearly offered a distinction between control and discipline: "control is where the child has no influence in decisions, because they are already made for them by the parent" and discipline " focuses on communicating with the child more." You are also being more inclusive by avoiding words that discuss what all parents want, etc.
As you can see, there's quite a bit I commented on this time around and a lot of it is one new content. While it is certainly important to respond to feedback I've offered and you've considered for yourself, don't let this distract you from having a careful eye about the new content you've added. Remember to read your work aloud and be critical of all parts of the essay, both revisions, new content and the content that has thus far stayed the same.
In terms of examples, remember that often depth is better than breadth. What I mean that is to take the time to explain your examples. To examine them and illustrate what purpose they fulfill. How are they furthering the point you're trying to make? How does the example and your analysis support your overall thesis or argument? Sometimes, particularly in paragraph 4, it seems you were listing instances/examples that you see fit your discussion of control. While it's fine to use multiple examples, make sure you're giving each one justice.
As you get ready to approach your final assignment in this series, I'd like you to think about a few things. What do you wish to get out of this process, of our partnership? What do you want to improve on or learn? What writing practices or considerations have you already learned through this process and are you taking care to apply this knowledge in each draft and assignment you complete? Perhaps, if you see them to be relevant, you can answer some of these questions in your reflection.
Overall, I think you've been improving after each revision. Just remember to apply what you've been working on so you can continue this furthering of your writing ability!
Reflection #2 (RHS March 16 -- 171 March 25)
The purpose of my paper was compare and contrast controlling and disciplinary behavior through parenting and how its different from each other. The exigence of the paper was to explain (I think in greater depth) how control and discipline is different from each other and explain how its contrary. I used examples and details to back up some of what I had written. My intended audience would be to parents since I kind of addressed them in the beginning, saying how parents want one thing and their the ones who worry about the difference between discipline and control. I created tone by using examples and situations in what a controlling parent would do and what a disciplinary parent would do.
You've helped alot, and i want to say thank you ! (:
I think it's really interesting that your intended audience would have been parents. Did you realize this as you were writing? How did/could this knowledge influence the way in which you wrote the comparison? Keeping things like this in mind as you write future papers will probably prove very helpful.
You're welcome! I'm so glad I am helpful :) Rough Draft Argument (posted RHS April 6 -- 171 April 8)
Not enough being done
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a study over the last twenty years about the problem of under reporting of domestic violence incidents. Ever since the 1920's, many domestic cases were turned away for the lack of offense that would be prosecuted. Therefore, many of the women who were being abused didn't report anything, thinking they wouldn't be believed. Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It can be considered emotional, verbal, or sexual. Even though there has been some improvement in raising awareness for domestic violence, there still needs to be more stricter punishments' and laws against domestic abuse cases.
It is stated that one out of every three women will be abused some point in their life time, whether it's physically or emotionally. If we want those numbers to diminish, then more action need to be taken on stopping the violence. Even though most of these cases occur behind closed door with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know a women who has been abused by her husband in the past year, but haven't reported anything to the police. If this kind of behavior continues, it wont be considered as threatening as before. By not helping the victims in the situation, the percent of women who are killed trying to leave the relationship will only rise.
The main cause of injury to women is from battering, which exceeds all the other claims of rapes, muggings, and auto accidents. Approximately seventy percent of women are killed each year due to their batterer when trying to leave the abusive relationship.
Because of the lack of punishment that is being executed by law enforcements, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home where children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic violence each year. By the children witnessing this they engage in the repeating that same cycle of abuse. Seeing their father being abusive with their mother will only increase the risk factor of continuing the violent behavior from one generation to the next.
Even though some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to domestic abuse cases in order to try to stop abuse from happening, the abuse still continues to happen more and more everyday. Since the police departments are too occupied with cases that are considered more endangering, it allows the domestic abuse to continue and get worse. Because of that, there are getting to be more cases of domestic abuse that go unsolved or not being dealt with.
In order to eventually stop and prevent from any more domestic abuse cases from occurring there needs to be more dedicated police officers where they will keep up with the cases that are happening and continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic violence under control and to keep it that way.
Caitlin's Response:
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a study over the last twenty years about the problem of under reporting of domestic violence incidents. Ever since the 1920's, many domestic cases were turned away for the lack of offense that would be prosecuted (I'm confused, what does this mean?). Therefore, many of the women who were being abused didn't report anything, thinking they wouldn't be believed (is that really the reasons? What could be other reasons? Did you get this as the reason from the survey or did you think of it on your own?) . Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It can be considered emotional, verbal, or sexual (there's also financial abuse, controlling someone's access to money and/or resources). Even though there has been some improvement in raising awareness for domestic violence (from/to what?), there still needs to be more stricter punishments' and laws against domestic abuse cases. What do you mean by laws against domestic abuse cases? It almost sounds as if you want it to be more difficult for these cases to be tried.
It is stated (by whom?) that one out of every three women will be abused some point in their life time, whether it's physically or emotionally (in America? the world? what about sexually? since this is a direct stat please cite your source). If we (who is we?) want those numbers to diminish, then more action needs to be taken on stopping the violence (how might that occur?). Even though most of these cases occur behind closed door with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know a women who has been abused by her husband in the past year (source?), but haven't reported anything to the police. If this kind of behavior continues, it wont be considered as threatening as before (why not? where's your evidence?). By not helping the victims in the situation, the percent of women who are killed trying to leave the relationship will only rise (what percent is this?).
(is this supposed to be a new paragraph? I can't tell...)The main cause of injury to women is from battering, which exceeds all the other claims of rapes, muggings, and auto accidents (what's battering?). Approximately seventy percent of women are killed each year due to their batterer when trying to leave the abusive relationship. (seventy percent of all women? clarify statistic)
Because of the lack of punishment that is being executed (w/c) by law enforcements (people in law enforcement or the laws themselves or...?), domestic abuse still continues to occur at home where children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic violence each year. By the children witnessing this they engage in the repeating that same cycle of abuse. Seeing their father being abusive with their mother will only increase the risk factor of continuing the violent behavior from one generation to the next. (these are some really controversial claims. there is plenty of research that supports and does not support the notion that children coming from an abusive household become abusive... I'm worried you're over simplifying and stating possibilities as facts.)
Even though some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to domestic abuse cases in order to try to stop abuse from happening, the abuse still continues to happen more and more everyday (does it?). Since the police departments are too occupied with cases that are considered more endangering, it allows the domestic abuse to continue and get worse (says who?). Because of that, there are getting to be more cases of domestic abuse that go unsolved or not being dealt with. (what would being dealt with look like? abusers being locked up? victims getting out? children getting displaced? laws changing? something else?)
In order to eventually stop and prevent from any more domestic abuse cases from occurring there needs to be more dedicated police officers where they will keep up with the cases that are happening and continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic violence under control and to keep it that way.
Amela, The quality of writing here is pretty good. I would recommend you reread your piece aloud and you'll probably catch some of the wordy/awkward sentences, but for the most part I had no trouble understanding what you were trying to say. Very nice.
This being said, I'm concentrating here primarily on content. domestic violence is a complicated issue and i'm worried you're oversimplifying a lot of it. Here are some major questions for you to consider and the answers will probably effect the way your make your argument.
Why do you call it domestic abuse and not domestic violence? What are you arguing for? Are you trying to get the audience do something? What? How would police being more responsive actually lessen domestic abuse? Why this approach rather than another approach to ending the violence? (i.e. education about healthy relationships, etc.)
There is no right/wrong answer to these questions as long as you can backup your answer with solid evidence. Make sure you cite your sources (where do these statistics come from?).
I'd like to see you critically consider what your argument is, how you are and could be better supporting it and be more argumentative. Make sure your argument is cohesive and you're not assuming your reader knows much about the subject.
Looking forward to reading the next draft. Revision Argument (posted RHS April 13 -- 171 April 15)
There's not enough being done
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a rise in the amount of domestic violence against women not being reported. During the 1920's, many domestic cases were turned away because of the lack of evidence that was associated with them. Therefore, many of the women who were abused did not report anything not only because of the fear they had for their husbands, but the fear of not being believed by police officials. Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It generally consists of emotional, verbal, and/or sexual abuse. This problem is continuously growing, and the only way American can stop this is by speaking up for abused women, proposing stricter laws, and urging police officials to pay more attention.
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in their life time, whether being physically or emotionally (Domestic Abuse Shelter of the Florida Keys, n.d). If Americans want those numbers to diminish, then America needs to take a stand, and acknowledge that this is a growing issue. Actually take the time in speaking out for abused women, instead of being silent. Even though most of these cases occur behind closed doors with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know a women who has been abused by her husband in the past year, but have not reported anything (Domestic Abuse Shelter of the Florida Keys, n.d). If this kind of behavior continues, then the amount of domestic cases will only rise, and not much will be done in order to stop them. By not helping the victims in these situations, the percentage of women who are killed trying to leave their relationship will go from seventy percent to a much higher number.
Because of the lack of punishments enforced by police officials, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home which posses a problem when children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic abuse each year (American Institute on Domestic Violence, 2001). The children witnessing this, engage in repeating the same cycle of abuse later in their adulthood. Seeing their father engage in abusive behavior towards their mother increases the risk factor of continuing that violent behavior from one generation to the next.
Even though some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to abuse cases, the abuse still continues to go unreported and unsolved. Most police departments are too occupied with other cases that are considered more endangering, such as murder and burglary. The low attention these cases get allows more domestic abuse to continue while at the same time, go unsolved. Police officials need to spend more time sentencing the abusers, and less time investigating them. By considering domestic abuse as equal to a crime as murder, and by giving them the same jail sentences, it will decrease the amount of abusers. Domestic abuse will not be taken seriously by the people unless it's taken seriously by the police.
In order to eventually stop and prevent any more domestic abuse cases from occurring, there needs to be more dedicated police officers. Police officers who will keep up with the cases that are happening and continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic abuse under control, and to keep it that way.
Caitlin's Feedback
There's not enough being done
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a rise in the amount of domestic violence against women not being reported. During the 1920's, many domestic cases were turned away because of the lack of evidence that was associated with them. Therefore, many of the women who were abused did not report anything not only because of the fear they had for (of?) their husbands, but the fear of not being believed by police officials.(interesting! Good. My only concern is that 1920s might be too far back. many things have changed since the 1920s... has there been an increase in DV reporting since say the 90s or early 2000s?) Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It generally consists of emotional, verbal, and/or sexual abuse. (Nice, direct, accessible and accurate definition!) This problem is continuously growing, and the only way Americans can stop this (what's 'this,' feel free to restate the 'this' so I know exactly what you're referring to) is by speaking up for abused women (can they not speak up for themselves? Where do they fit into this?), proposing stricter laws, and urging police officials to pay more attention (could they be paying attention and still not doing anything about it? how does this fit into your overall argument). I know I had a lot to say, but this is a really good intro! You gave me interesting info, facts, a definition and a clear thesis. I'm impressed!
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in their life time, whether being physically or emotionally (Domestic Abuse Shelter of the Florida Keys, n.d) (reread this statement. are you missing a word?). If Americans want those numbers to diminish, then America (the country itself or its citizens?) needs to take a stand, and acknowledge that this is a growing issue. Actually take the time in speaking out for abused women, instead of being silent (what does it mean to speak out for women? can you explain?). Even though most of these cases occur behind closed doors with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know (is there a reason you said 'claim to know' and not just 'know'? Did it come from your source or did you just choose to phrase it that way? are there consequences to having the word 'claim' in there?) a women who has been abused by her husband in the past year, but have not reported anything (who didn't report? the victim or the friend?) (Domestic Abuse Shelter of the Florida Keys, n.d). If this kind of behavior continues, then the amount of domestic cases will only rise, and not much will be done in order to stop them (can you prove this?). By not helping the victims in these situations, the percentage of women who are killed trying to leave their relationship will go from seventy percent to a much higher number (again, can you prove this? you touch on an important point that many women end up being killed trying to leave their relationship. this seems to come out of nowhere. Perhaps you can set up this more?).
Because of the lack of punishments enforced by police officials, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home which posses a problem when children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic abuse each year (American Institute on Domestic Violence, 2001). The children witnessing this, engage in repeating the same cycle of abuse later in their adulthood. Seeing their father engage in abusive behavior towards their mother increases the risk factor of continuing that violent behavior from one generation to the next. (This paragraph seems to be establishing why this issue is important. is this the best spot for the paragraph in your essay?)
Even though some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to abuse cases, the abuse still continues to go unreported and unsolved (okay, so why might they say that? you can certainly bring up a counter argument for your point, but if you do, you need to explain why we should not believe it, otherwise you're just taking away from your argument. make sense?). Most police departments are too occupied with other cases that are considered more endangering, such as murder and burglary (how do you know this?). The low attention these cases get allows more domestic abuse to continue while at the same time, go unsolved. Police officials need to spend more time sentencing the abusers, and less time investigating them (but don't they need to establish the case that the abusers are actually abusive?). By considering domestic abuse as equal to a crime as murder, and by giving them the same jail sentences, it will decrease the amount of abusers (wow. this is a bold point. Can you explain this more? there's nothing wrong with being this bold as long as you back it up, try and convince the reader, argue your point). Domestic abuse will not be taken seriously by the people unless it's taken seriously by the police. (great point!)
In order to eventually stop and prevent any more domestic abuse cases from occurring, there needs to be more dedicated police officers (do you think there are no dedicated police officers then? if you think there are some, where do they fit in with your argument?). Police officers who will keep up with the cases that are happening and continuing to happen. (fragment) They need to respond and take on the fullest actions (what are 'the fullest actions'?) they can to get domestic abuse under control, and to keep it that way.
Amela,
You're getting there! Your intro was really nice, it included an interesting fact, a definition of DV and a clear thesis. You're making engaging points and illustrate you've thought about this subject.
One major component of your essay I think is crucial to your argument development is how the rate of DV is directly related to what you have to say about the police. I get that you're making the argument that domestic violence should be stopped and that police should pay more attention/people should report it more, but the argument would be a lot stronger if you made this link more explicit. Why are these two points connected? Make sure the different components of your argument are related to one another and you explain this relationship. Don't leave the reader to connect too many of the dots.
Also, why did you choose the source from the Florida Keys? It is unclear to me whether it's a website or an article (something else?) based on your citation. Are you used to in-text citations? Would you consider writing up your resources in some kind of format? I'm not sure if your teacher would require that (maybe something you should look into if you don't know either) but I know I wanted to read more about what your references had to say but was unable to because you didn't offer a full citation... just a thought.
I offered lots of feedback this time and I hope it comes to you as constructive and helpful. You've got a good backbone for the argument, now develop your points, reinforce the argument you're trying to make and I think you'll be good to go!
Final Argument (posted RHS April 20 -- 171 April 23)
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a rise in the amount of domestic violence against women not being reported. During the 1920's when domestic violence cases first started to surface, many of the cases were turned away because of the lack of evidence that was associated with them. That statement is still true today. Stated on LegalMatch.com, 27% of the victims of domestic violence in the past twelve months did not report the incident to the police. Many of the women who were abused did not report anything because of their main fear in not being believed by the police officials, and the women potentially causing more harm to be inflected on them by their husbands. Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It generally consists of emotional, verbal, and/or sexual abuse. These cases going unreported is continuously growing, and the only way Americans can stop this is is by speaking up for those who are afraid to, proposing stricter laws, and urging police officials to take more actions in stopping it.
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in their life time, whether being physically or emotionally. If Americans want those numbers to diminish, then Americans needs to take a stand, and acknowledge that this is a growing issue. They need to take the time in speaking out for abused women, instead of being silent. One of the main reasons domestic violence cases go unreported is because the victims are driven by fear not to tell, the fear being, the victims creating more harm to themselves by their partner. If more people were to speak up for those victims, then the awareness rate would eventually go up. Even though most of these cases occur behind closed doors with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know a woman who has been abused by her husband in the past year, and have not reported anything . If this kind of behavior continues, then the amount of domestic cases going unreported will only rise. By not helping the victims speak up and end their relationship, the women will try to end it in another way, and in result of this, the percentage of women who are killed trying to leave their relationship will go from seventy percent to a much higher number.
Because of the lack of effort and punishments enforced by police officials, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home, which posses a problem when children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic abuse each year. The children witnessing this, engage in repeating the same cycle of abuse later in their adulthood. Seeing their father engage in abusive behavior towards their mother increases the risk factor of continuing that violent behavior from one generation to the next. For the police officer to not take matters into their own hands, sending the abuser back home
Some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to abuse cases, but the abuse still continues to go unreported and unsolved. Most police departments tend to be occupied with other cases that are considered more endangering to society rather then just a household, such as murder and burglary. The low attention domestic violence cases gets allows more of it to continue, while at the same time, go unsolved. Police officials need to spend more time sentencing the abusers, and putting them behind bars, and less time letting the abuser of the hook. If police officials considered domestic abuse as equal to a crime as murder, over time, the amount of abuse would decrease because of the its long jail sentence. About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence, and for police officials not to convict the abuser right at that moment, it only increases the amount of murders that occur between spouses where the offender should have been in jail or under more strict supervision by the law enforcement officials. Police officials need to start being more aggressive towards these cases. Domestic abuse will not be taken seriously by the people unless it is taken seriously by the police.
In order to eventually stop and prevent any more domestic abuse cases from occurring, there needs to be more police officers who are willing to be involved in these household disputes, keeping up with the cases that are happening and are continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic abuse under control, and to keep it that way. Not reporting the claims, and not taking actions in arresting the abuser will only continue the rise of deaths in women due to domestic violence. In order for it to stop, the law enforcement officials need to step their game up and pose more stricter punishments when it comes to domestic violence.
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a rise in the amount of domestic violence against women not being reported. During the 1920's when domestic violence cases first started to surface, many of the cases were turned away because of the lack of evidence that was associated with them. (ah, now I understand why you pointed to the 20s. Nice) That statement is still true today. Stated on LegalMatch.com, 27% of the victims of domestic violence in the past twelve months did not report the incident to the police. Many of the women who were abused did not report anything because of their main fear in not being believed by the police officials, and the women potentially causing more harm to be inflected on them by their husbands (really wordy and I'm not sure all your verb tenses/conjugations match up. I'd definitely reread this sentence and clarify what your trying to say. Semicolons or periods may be useful). Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It generally consists of emotional, verbal, and/or sexual abuse. These cases (?) going unreported is continuously growing, and the only way Americans can stop this is is by speaking up for those who are afraid to (but I thought you just mentioned sometimes women endure more violence when they speak up.. Couldn't the same thing happen if another person spoke up for him/her?), proposing stricter laws, and urging police officials to take more actions in stopping it (stopping what?).
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in their (her) life time, whether being physically or emotionally. If Americans want those numbers to diminish, then Americans needs to take a stand, and acknowledge that this is a growing issue. Why is the focus on Americans? They need to take the time in speaking out for abused women, instead of being silent. One of the main reasons domestic violence cases go unreported is because the victims are driven by fear not to tell, the fear being, the victims creating more harm to themselves by their partner. If more people were to speak up for those victims, then the awareness rate would eventually go up. Okay, but what happens for the women who have been abused? Awareness might not help those who are already victims... Even though most of these cases occur behind closed doors with no one watching (behind closed doors/with no one watching mean the same thing. include only one of these phrases to be concise), thirty percent of Americans claim to know a woman who has been abused by her husband in the past year, and have not reported anything . If this kind of behavior continues, then the amount of domestic cases going unreported will only rise (why? why wouldn't they just stay the same?). By not helping the victims speak up and end their relationship, the women will try to end it in another way (i'm confused... how will they try and end it?), and in result of this, the percentage of women who are killed trying to leave their relationship will go from seventy percent to a much higher number (how? why? and how would speaking out make it safer to end/leave a relationship?).
Because of the lack of effort and punishments enforced by police officials, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home, which posses a problem when children are present (run on). It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic abuse each year. The children witnessing this, engage in repeating the same cycle of abuse later in their adulthood. Seeing their father engage in abusive behavior towards their mother increases the risk factor of continuing that violent behavior from one generation to the next. Where did you find the information for this claim? This is a very controversial issue and you seem to present it as if it is proven and accepted that children who witness abuse become abusers or victims in the future. For the police officer to not take matters into their own hands, sending the abuser back home (rest of your sentence?)
Some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to abuse cases, but the abuse still continues to go unreported and unsolved. Most police departments tend to be occupied with other cases that are considered more endangering to society rather then just a household, such as murder and burglary (evidence?). The low attention domestic violence cases gets allows more of it to continue, while at the same time, go unsolved What do you mean 'unsolved?' are case going unsolved and continuing to occur related or separate? I cannot tell based on how this sentence is phrased. . Police officials need to spend more time sentencing the abusers, and putting them behind bars, and less time letting the abuser of the hook. If police officials considered domestic abuse as equal to a crime as murder, over time, the amount of abuse would decrease because of the its long jail sentence (are you sure? would it truly stop the abuse?). About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence, and for police officials not to convict the abuser right at that moment, it only increases the amount of murders that occur between spouses where the offender should have been in jail or under more strict supervision by the law enforcement officials (I cannot understand what you're trying to say here. please reread and clarify.). Police officials need to start being more aggressive towards these cases. Domestic abuse will not be taken seriously by the people (what people?) unless it is taken seriously by the police. Is this consistent with your argument for the people to get the police to take the issue seriously? I would be careful here, it seems like you're on the edge of a which came first argument here.
In order to eventually stop and prevent any more domestic abuse cases from occurring, there needs to be more police officers who are willing to be involved in these household disputes, keeping up with the cases that are happening and are continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic abuse under control, and to keep it that way. Not reporting the claims, and not taking actions in arresting the abuser will only continue the rise of deaths in women due to domestic violence. In order for it to stop, the law enforcement officials need to step their game up and pose more stricter punishments when it comes to domestic violence.
The structure of this essay is very good. It follows a logical progression and your transitions are smooth. In this way your paper is well written.
At the same time, I still think you have a lot to work on before I would turn in the final draft. For one, a lot of your tenses, and plural versus singular forms are inconsistent. These are small errors but there a lot of them in your piece and it makes it difficult to read sometimes. I would encourage you to read through every single word in this and make sure it's the right word. Read it aloud so you don't just read it how it should sound, but how it's actually written. Make sense?
I think you've tried to make the connection between the police and stopping dv clearer. I think this is good because it helps to strengthen your argument. While you've mentioned them in relation to one another, which is definitely a step in the right direction, I am still having trouble seeing the link between police efforts and ending domestic violence. WHy would increased arrests/jailing, police attention, etc. to this issue actually stop domestic abuse? If someone truly wanted to abuse his/her partner, would the threat of it being illegal actually stop him/her?
I encourage you to reread your essay as it stands as well as my comments and to make some changes before you turn it in. What you have going on is for sure a big step in the right direction and I think it would turn out REALLY well if you just carefully revised the paper one last time.
Best, Caitlin
Reflection #3 (posted RHS April 23)
The purpose of my paper was to get the audience to view domestic violence as badly as I do. The exigence of the paper was to infrom them about it, I used statistics and I tried put in pathos (the children seeing domestic violence). I created tone by using statistics and details about hos domestic violence needs to be stopped.
I liked this project that we did and your advice helped a lot. (: It was cool that you felt about D.V like i did, so it was easy to connect (: ..
Hi,
My name is Caitlin Feuer and I'll be your writing mentor this semester. I'm very excited to work with you, to get to know you and your writing style and to participate in this learning process with you.
I am a senior at Drake, getting ready to hopefully go to graduate school for Women's Studies next year. In college I study writing, rhetoric and communication, women's studies and sociology. I'm originally from Detroit, Michigan, but moved to Illinois when I was nine. My mom still lives there, but I've been living in Des Moines since 2008. I even stayed in town this past summer and worked at a day camp out in Waukee. In high school, I wrote for the newspaper and was involved with drama and German clubs. In college, I'm super busy and fill my time in class or doing homework, spending time with my sorority sisters, going to meetings for Honors Student Council, Hillel, Students for Women's Issues and a Greek honor society for which I am the programming chair, as well as interning for the Iowa Coalition Against Domestic Violence and teaching religious school.
Now I'm going to tell you a bit about myself as a writer. I've always enjoyed writing and I actually started out as a journalism major in college. By the end of my first year, though, I realized journalistic writing was not the style I preferred, nor was it the career path I desired to take. I eventually happened upon my writing major, which is different from an English major because we focus more on writing than on literature. One major writing battle I fight is to avoid using passive voice, i.e. saying "I have read that book" instead of "I read that book." It's not a very good habit and makes my writing wordier. Whenever I review my own writing I strive to get rid of the helping verbs because it makes my writing sound more concise. Speaking of conciseness, sometimes I get wordy so when I edit my own work, I read everything aloud in the hopes of catching wordy sentences. From teaching religious school, I found not only do my students learn when I teach them, but I also learn from them. In preparing lessons and from the surprising answers my fifth grade students give me, I learn. Ideally, such a mutual learning relationship can occur between us. I want you to know I do not view you as one of my students. We will be in a partnership this semsester and I hope that I can assist you in becoming a better writer and that my experiences preparing for and discussing your writing will teach me things too.
Hopefully, this letter was not too long and boring for you. Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Sincerely,
Caitlin
It's nice to meet you, well read about you heh!
Ok so I guess it's my turn. My name is Amela Tokic and I'm a Senior at Roosevelt, I'm graduating a year early so that's pretty exciting (: . I took a lot of classes that you took , Women and Literature and Journalisn so that's pretty cool that we have that in common. I, too, was also going to sign up for the Yearbook and Neyspaper club but I just couldn't I already had all the classes that I needed and my schedule is was too full. We also had Bosnian Group at Roosevelt and we had this project that we had to do, about Against Domestic Violence. I was on of the lucky students that went to Washington D.C the summer before the last one and I got to meet other groups who were in other programs and I learned a lot, we also held an event in Des Moines in Feburary and we made posters, stickers,pens, shirts. It was really fun. I have pictures and when we meet I can show you some of them.
As for my writing, I was always told I was a good writer which is kind of wierd cause I just never thought that. But I can come up with things and just tie them together and make it flow nicely it's just my grammar sometimes that isn't the best. (In the first paragraph I had to change my grammar, I usually mix together past and present verbs/sentences, which is not good) I also find myself using helping words 'to be' mostly, and it just doesnt sound right. Some good aspects are my organization, I write kind of formal (as you can kind of see, I guess i'm just used to that). People just like how I write. In my Journalism class the teacher let me write about whatever I wanted and always was so impressed with my work. He even put my movie review piece in the school newspaper, that was pretty cool too. I'm actually excited for this little project and to get feed back from you about things and stuff and what you like about my writing and what I should work on.
Looking forward to be working with you this summer .
Hope to hear from you soon,
Amela
Personal Reflection on Topic of Inquiry(posted RHS January 27 -- 171 January 29)
Sunken into your favorite couch half listening half zoning out to the television, you start to analyze your life. Reminiscing on all the good times you once had with a friend you don't even talk to anymore. Thinking about all the times you used to hang out at each others house and all the hours spent on the phone at night talking about boys and the latest gossip. But that's not even the worst part, the worst part is knowing that the reason you two stopped being friends wasn't because you changed and starting viewing life differently, it was because her boyfriend didn't approve of you.
Domestic abuse isn't only defined as physical abuse, but as a pattern of abusive behavior by one or both partners in an intimate relationship. Therefore any kind of behavior whether physical aggression, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, having the need to control and intimidate are all factors of being in an abusive relationship.
Growing up in a Bosnian community, women were generally ranked lower then men. The men were the ones who had the power in the relationship and were known as the top dogs. Even though many kept their problems behind locked doors the effects of an abusive relationship were still on the surface. The women would talk cautiously to their husbands as if they were almost scared to get them angry. You wouldn't see them much outside the household because the husbands strongly discouraged any contact with friends or even family. It almost seemed that the husbands were controlling the entire marriage in the way they wanted it to be.
It wasn't until I was a freshman in high school that I became more familiar with the term 'domestic violence' in Bosnian Group. I seriously thought the way men acted in the Bosnian society was normal. I grew up to only categorizing physical abuse as a factor in an abusive relationship, but in reality it's many more aspects then just that. Our group leader was a former Roosevelt student who now worked for L.U.N.A. which stands for Latinas Unidas Por Un Nuevo Amanacer (Latinas United For A New Dawn.) It was her that helped not only me but the rest of the Bosnian students at Roosevelt understand domestic violence better. Because of all the information we learned and the different topic we discussed we wanted to get the word out to other Bosnians in the Des Moines area. We devoted our time and our energy to this issue in spreading the word.
We didn't only spread the word in Des Moines, but also in Washington D.C. L.U.N.A had sent a grant to an organization in Washington D.C for youth leaders and our grant was accepted. From August 4 to August 8 our group leader, me, and another student from Roosevelt attended the meetings in D.C It was there were we got a chance to spread the idea of stopping domestic abuse even further.
I've learned that domestic violence can come in many forms. Its an epidemic where it's affecting effecting everyone regardless of age, race, religion, gender, if it's just the victim, or the victims family and friends. In order to stop the abuse we have to start spreading the word, abuse is just not physical.
Response:
Amela,
I really enjoyed reading your reflection on this topic. It's neat you chose to write about a topic I am interested in too and I am actually currently doing some fundraising for L.U.N.A. through an organization I'm involved in at Drake. When I read your first paragraph I truly did feel transported into an instance in which I was thinking about a former friend, while half listening to the television and half zoning out. This was a good opener for your piece because it is very easy for the reader to relate with it. This being said, I felt the transition from this "imagine" moment to discussing DV was a little rough. I would suggest working on making the connection between such reminiscence and the greater issue of domestic abuse as the topic of your paper more explicit. You could do this by elaborating on the friend's situation with her abusive partner or another way you come up with.
When you go to talk about domestic abuse, I would really recommend getting more of a technical definition from a reliable source like the National Network Against Domestic Violence, or even from L.U.N.A.'s website or a pamphlet. Given the assignment was called a reflection, I don't think having a technical definition is as big of a deal on this assignment, but it is something I would recommend for future papers.
I really enjoyed your third paragraph where you started to give us a glimpse of how gender relations work within the Bosnian community. Please expand! What do you mean by "women were generally ranked lower than men?" How can you demonstrate that it is the men who have power in the relationship? Can you give a specific example or in what instances would we see the power dynamics in play? What would be consequences of disobeying these norms?
One of the sentences I value most in this piece is "I seriously thought the way men acted in the Bosnian society was normal." Not only does this sentence tell me something about you and your cultural background, but it also very importantly reflects the nature of domestic violence and how it can appear as the norm, thus reinforcing your entire essay.
Again, with your fifth and sixth paragraphs I'd like to see more elaboration. How did this woman help you understand domestic violence? What did this new understanding consist of? How did you spread the word? Can you give more details about what occurred in DC while keeping your explanations relevant?
Your last paragraph is strong in that it is a good note to end on and outwardly illustrates your position on the subject. Just make sure your last sentence is always concise and says exactly what you want it to. Remember, this is the last time the reader gets to hear your position.
Overall, great work! You have a solid foundation here and have a lot of good points that you've left me truly wanting to know more about. I think we could work on the flow and clarity of your sentences by rearranging word order, etc., but I had no difficulty understanding your writing. Also, please let me know if you'd like me to do more with mechanics and point out where there can be grammatical improvements or if you'd rather have me continue to focus primarily on content. If you don't know/care that's fine too, I just want to be a resource for you to imporve your writing and you know what you'd like to focus on better than I do.
Hope you're having a great weekend and I look forward to meeting you soon!
Rough Draft Definition (posted RHS February 3 -- 171 February 5)
There weren’t many explanations for the different behavioral problems and the reasoning behind them in the past. These behavioral problems were also called abnormal behavior and ranged from compulsive/obsession all the way to hallucinations and phobias. Many of the patients that possessed these behaviors were either classified as having a mind body problem or a mental disorder. A term greatly misinterpreted, control, refers to one having the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events. If you were asked where to place the term control, would you place it in mind body problem category or in the mental disorder category? In order to pick the right spot, we first need to better understand what these two terms mean and how exactly control fits into these categories.
Mind body problem focuses on humanistic behavior such as cause and effect and genetics, while mental disorder focuses on the psychological factor that triggered the persons behavior, actions and/or emotions. Since both are connected to psychological aspects of the brain, the term control needs to be broken down as to where one can see what causes it. There are many factors that can tribute to the development of a controlling behavior, one of them being problems that have occurred in their past, mostly childhood/early teens. These problems can be something simple as the child being controlled by the parents and feeling like they need to obey them. This can trigger an effect on the child to acting the same way as their parents as they get older. Another factor that can contribute to this kind of behavior is being scared. Fear rules their world and by trying to control everything around them they feel as if they can't get hurt or get caught off-guard. (2) (1)
Many people that have a controlling behavior are manipulative and already can predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that in their favor in getting what they want. If a number of people don't fall into their spell of being manipulated the person will develop a paranoia of people being out to get him/her. Since the person is living a lie and presenting themselves as someone else they thrive upon attention and admiration and even go to extremes such as lying in order to mask their insecurities. By belittling people, the manipulator feels inferior to others. Since they feel as if everyone around them sees things the way he does any sort of rejection on his opinions results in his name calling. (3)
Controlling behaviors can not only be found between children and parents who are trying to discipline the but also in relationships. The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his or her thumb at all times. The manipulator can try to threaten you, hurt you, or those around you in order for him or her to have total control and say over you. Another strategy they use is the psychological one whereas they use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to wear you down mentally. Some even more drastic measures manipulators do in order to keep controlling you is to control who, when, and where you go out. They even keep their spouse from seeing their family and friends and limit their access to money and phones in order not to call them. Not only does the manipulator affect the life of their spouse but also the lives of her/his friends and/or family. (4)
The only way to treat controlling behavior is to accept yourself as you are. When a person doesn't feel helpless over other people's emotions and behavior they won't have the need to feel like controlling them. Feeling helpless over whether a person chooses to be loving and accepting towards us or judgmental and rejecting towards us builds the bases of having to control the other persons feelings. By learning how to manage anxiety which can be triggered by feeling helpless it will help you not to have to need of micro-managing everything around you. Controlling your moods will help you pause before trying to act on the fear you are feeling. Since worrying has been the known hobby for the person, they have to find something else to keep their minds off of things they have absolutely no control over. (5)
Whether you placed control under mind body problems or under mental disorders the effects of this behavior are virtually the same. They not only hurt the person who has the controlling behavior but others around them: spouses, family, and friends. Because many things can trigger this kind of behavior in a person, the only way to stop and cure it is to make the person understand they can't have absolute control of everything. If someone is the one being controlled they need to understand it's not their fault and they aren't the reason their loved ones are acting like this. By helping the person in need realize that sometimes they can't just have everything in their way will help them open up and understand how to better accept the world around them.
1.http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090520130757AAkx6mG
2.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abnormal_psychology
3.http://freedom4captives.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/15-the-characteristics-of-a-controlling-personality-part-1/
4.http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
5.http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/7779/self_improvement_and_motivation/control_helplessness_and_love.html
Caitlin's feedback:
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There weren’t many explanations for the different behavioral problems and the reasoning behind them in the past. These behavioral problems were also called abnormal behavior and ranged from compulsive/obsession all the way to hallucinations and phobias. Many of the patients that possessed these behaviors were either classified as having a mind body problem or a mental disorder. (I have trouble understanding these first few sentences. You seem to really jump in without introducing your topic. Can you clarify what behavioral problems you’re talking about? I’m confused as to where this information is coming from and how it relates to control) A term greatly misinterpreted, control, refers to one having the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events (good, I think it’s important to draw on power in your definition. It was very clear to me you were defining your term of choice, control, here.) . If you were asked where to place the term control, would you place it in mind body problem category or in the mental disorder category? (I’m confused where these categories are coming from? Why would I be asked to put the term under a category?) In order to pick the right spot, we first need to better understand what these two terms mean and how exactly control fits into these categories. (Great. Clearly your thesis. Remember to revisit this statement after revising your paper to make sure your thesis reflects the revised essay).
Mind body problem focuses on humanistic behavior such as cause and effect and genetics, while mental disorder focuses on the psychological factor that triggered the persons behavior, actions and/or emotions (wow! You covered a lot right here. The reader would be well served if you unpacked ‘humanistic behavior,’ ‘psychological factor’ ‘triggered’ more. Does that make sense? These terms are loaded within themselves and in order for the reader to stay with you for the remainder of the paper, it would probably be useful to make sure the reader is on the same page as you are). Since both are connected to psychological aspects of the brain, the term control needs to be broken down as to where one can see what causes it (This seems like a big jump from your previous statement). There are many factors that can tribute to the development of a controlling behavior , one of them being problems that have occurred in their past, mostly childhood/early teens. These problems can be something simple as the child being controlled by the parents and feeling like they need to obey them (this is good, but can you give a more specific example in which you describe a specific incident? Also, how is a controlling behavior for a parent different from the parent simply disciplining a child? You may want to explore this distinction). This can trigger an effect on the child to acting the same way as their parents as they get older (how? Can you explain this notion of trigger?). Another factor that can contribute to this kind of behavior is being scared. Fear rules their world and by trying to control everything around them they feel as if they can't get hurt or get caught off-guard. (Again, can you elaborate? How scared must a person be before s/he is being controlled? Can you follow up this last statement with an explanation, perhaps an example or anecdote?)
Many people that have a controlling behavior are manipulative and already can predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that in their favor in getting what they want. (What do you mean by manipulative and how does this relate to control?)If a number of people don't fall into their spell of being manipulated the person will develop a paranoia of people being out to get him/her (how do you know?). Since the person is living a lie and presenting themselves as someone else they thrive upon attention and admiration and even go to extremes such as lying in order to mask their insecurities (what do you mean ‘living a lie?’ are you sure?). By belittling people, the manipulator feels inferior to others. Since they feel as if everyone around them sees things the way he does any sort of rejection on his opinions results in his name calling.
Controlling behaviors can not only be found between children and parents who are trying to discipline the but also in relationships. The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his or her thumb at all times. The manipulator can try to threaten you, hurt you, or those around you in order for him or her to have total control and say over you (What effect does using the pronoun ‘you’ instead of ‘victim’ ‘controlee’ or another word have? How might the reader feel when they see the person who is being controlled is them?). Another strategy they use is the psychological one whereas they use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to wear you down mentally. Some even more drastic measures manipulators do in order to keep controlling you is to control who, when, and where you go out. They even keep their spouse from seeing their family and friends and limit their access to money and phones in order not to call them. Not only does the manipulator affect the life of their spouse but also the lives of her/his friends and/or family. (Good examples. Could you introduce these earlier in order to sooner illustrate what control looks like?)
The only way to treat controlling behavior is to accept yourself as you are. (Is this within the focus of your paper? The scope of the assignment?) When a person doesn't feel helpless over other people's emotions and behavior they won't have the need to feel like controlling them. Feeling helpless over whether a person chooses to be loving and accepting towards us or judgmental and rejecting towards us builds the bases of having to control the other persons feelings. By learning how to manage anxiety which can be triggered by feeling helpless it will help you not to have to need of micro-managing everything around you (wasn’t the ‘you’ used earlier discussing the victim? Now it seems to be describing the abuser. This is a bit confusing.). Controlling your moods will help you pause before trying to act on the fear you are feeling. Since worrying has been the known hobby for the person, they have to find something else to keep their minds off of things they have absolutely no control over.
Whether you placed control under mind body problems or under mental disorders the effects of this behavior are virtually the same (have you really explored these categories? What does doing so add/take away from your argument/definition?). They not only hurt the person who has the controlling behavior but others around them: spouses, family, and friends. Because many things can trigger this kind of behavior in a person, the only way to stop and cure it is to make the person understand they can't have absolute control of everything (how is this related to the definition of control?). If someone is the one being controlled they need to understand it's not their fault and they aren't the reason their loved ones are acting like this. By helping the person in need realize that sometimes they can't just have everything in their way will help them open up and understand how to better accept the world around them.
Amela,
You have a lot going on in your definition essay! It is clear you have thought much about control and want to explore the topic further. You have a lot of good ideas.
The task of this assignment is to write a definition essay in which you tell the readers how you define the term and to use facts, examples or anecdotes that can help the reader understand. You do offer a clear definition of control, which is great.
One broad point I hope you’ll consider is where your knowledge about control comes from. Does it come from personal experience/stories you’ve heard? Perhaps share with us those specific stories. Does it come from reading about control in a sociology or psychology class? Illustrate this to us. If you show your reader the source of your knowledge, they will be more likely to trust you and to agree with you.
You introduce a lot of big concepts like manipulation, mind body problems, mental disorders and how to help someone who is controlling/being controlled. Is this really in the scope of defining the word? Exploring so much in this essay makes it difficult for me to relate it all to your topic of control. Have you considered why you included these categories in your definition essay? How can you more clearly tie manipulation and control together? I would strongly recommend you clarify your focus, making sure the essay fulfills the assignment of defining and explaining control.
I’ve give you a lot of feedback. I hope it’s not too overwhelming for you and that it makes sense. You’re off to a nice start, but in order for you to do an in depth study of defining control, it may be a good idea to narrow your focus to just control. If you have any questions/comments, etc. feel free to post back before turning in your next draft.
Caitlin
No it's fine, i want to see what i'm doing wrong and what things i need to improve on. I'm sorry that i haven't gotten on here and responded back. But you gave me a lot of tips and it helped me. Sometimes the way you write it it makes sense to you, but to others its like what? I was trying to make it sound smart so i ended up over thinking it... Thanks for your help and being honest and stuff now i know what to work on and change to make my paper even better.Revision Definition (posted RHS February 10 -- 171 February 12 )
There are many problems that can occur in a relationship; cheating, lying, or just simply arguing. The worst part of being in a relationship, I've seen, is if someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend who is controlling. The term, controlling, defined by dictionary.com refers to one having the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.
There are many causes that can lead to a controlling person. One of the main ones being problems that have occurred in their past, mostly childhood/early teens. These problems can be something simple as the child being controlled by the parents and feeling like they need to obey them. Controlling behavior from a parents is usually put off as the parents disciplining their child but in reality when a parent used control on their child they want to have absolute control like in a totalitarian government. According to persweb.wabash.edu the parent or parents wants to shape and control all the child’s behavior. Instead of helping the child develop their own point of views and ideas the parent wants them to develop the same idea structure they have and for the child not to question the parent because the child should accept their word for what is right. A parent who disciplines their child wants to help them grow into a responsible human being. Therefore, instead of controlling their thinking process, a parent who disciplines guides the child into developing an understandment between right and wrong and which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. Having a controlling parent can lead the child to act the same way as their parents as they get older.
Those who end up developing a controlling behavior end up being manipulative. Since their main objective is to alter a persons way of thinking they go through a lot of trouble to make sure you end up thinking similarly as to them. They are able to predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that in their favor in getting what they want. Stated on freedom4captives.wordpress.com, if people around them don't fall into their spell of being manipulated the person will develop a paranoia of people being out to get him or her. This paranoia can lead to many other problems such as the person having the need to live a lie in order to present themselves as someone else to feel accepted by others and hide their insecurities.
Because a controlling person develops a lot of insecurities about themselves this posses the most threat in relationships. The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his or her thumb at all times. The manipulator may try to threaten, hurt the person or any other people around them in order for him or her to have total control and say over the person. Another strategy they use is the psychological one whereas they use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear down the person mentally. Some even more drastic measures the controller does is by controlling who, when, and where the partner goes out. They even keep them from seeing their family and friends. My friend was a victim of being in a controlling relationship. Her boyfriend had to know where she was, with whom, and what she was doing every second of the day. It first was considered cute by us that he worried so much about her, but after some time the calls didn't die out, they only multiplied. Pretty soon she wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone except for him. He cut all ties with her contacting her friends and made sure she spend every second of the day with him, and only him. We had to give her a convention about her boyfriend and his behavior, it took some time but, we convinced her the best move for her was to break up and cut all contact with him.
(I don't know how to make a good conclusion....)
By exercising authoritative or dominating influence over a person, not only does the manipulator affect the life of their partner but also the lives of his or her friends and or family.
Caitlin's Feedback:
There are many problems that can occur in a relationship such as cheating, lying, or just simply arguing. The worst part of being in a relationship (I would stay away from making value statements such as this one and say something along the lines of when someone is in a controlling relationship it can be dangerous/problematic, etc.), I've seen, is if someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend who is controlling. The term, controlling, (I would lead with the term so the focus is clear) defined by dictionary.com refers to one having the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.
There are many causes that can lead to a controlling person. One of the main ones being (confusing. When you go back and revise try to take out words you deem unnecessary. This will make your writing more concise, direct, to the point and sound better too. For example you could say “One of the many causes that can lead to controlling behavior is…)problems that have occurred in their past, mostly childhood/early teens. These problems can be something simple as the child being controlled by the parents and feeling like they need to obey them (it is hard for us to know what it would be like to have controlling parents since you haven’t yet showed us what control is. Would you consider defining controlling behavior and then later exploring possible causes?). Controlling behavior from a parents is usually put off as the parents disciplining their child but in reality when a parent used control on their child they want to have absolute control like in a totalitarian government (here would be a great place for a specific example). . According to persweb.wabash.edu the parent or parents wants to shape and control all the child’s behavior (how does this tell us something we don’t already know? Remember, research should serve to expand on the points you’ve already made) . Instead of helping the child develop their own point of views and ideas the parent wants them to develop the same idea structure they have and for the child not to question the parent because the child should accept their word for what is right (this is a run-on sentence, which makes it difficult to understand the point you’re trying to get across.). A parent who disciplines their child wants to help them grow into a responsible human being. Therefore, instead of controlling their thinking process, a parent who disciplines guides the child into developing an understandment between right and wrong and which behaviors are acceptable and which are not (I think you’re trying to say that instead of trying to control their children, it is better for parents to teach their children so they can think for themselves. Is this what you’re trying to say?). Having a controlling parent can lead the child to act the same way as their parents as they get older. (So what? Can you illustrate why this is important?)
Those who end up developing a controlling behavior end up being manipulative. Since their main objective is to alter a person’s way of thinking they go through a lot of trouble to make sure you end up thinking similarly as to them (make sure you’re consistent with the pronouns such as person, person’s). They are able to predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that in their favor in getting what they want (HOW?). Stated on freedom4captives.wordpress.com, if people around them don't fall into their spell of being manipulated the person will develop a paranoia of people being out to get him or her (careful. Wordpress is a blog site, anyone can post anything. Can you find something more credible like a university’s psychology department, a psychology textbook or a resource from a domestic violence organization?). This paranoia can lead to many other problems such as the person having the need to live a lie in order to present themselves as someone else to feel accepted by others and hide their insecurities (are you talking about stalking here?).
Because a controlling person develops a lot of insecurities about themselves(need a comma here) this poses the most threat in relationships (most threat as compared to what?). The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his or her thumb at all times. The manipulator may try to threaten, hurt the person or any other people around them in order for him or her to have total control and say over the person (why?). Another strategy they use is the psychological one whereas they use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear down the person mentally (how?). Some even more drastic measures the controller does is by controlling who, when, and where the partner goes out. They even keep them from seeing their family and friends. My friend was a victim of being in a controlling relationship. Her boyfriend had to know where she was, with whom, and what she was doing every second of the day. It first was considered cute by us that he worried so much about her, but after some time the calls didn't die out, they only multiplied. Pretty soon she wasn't allowed to hang out with anyone except for him. He cut all ties with her contacting her friends and made sure she spend every second of the day with him, and only him. We had to give her a convention (do you mean intervention?) about her boyfriend and his behavior, it took some time but, we convinced her the best move for her was to break up and cut all contact with him. (great example!)
(I don't know how to make a good conclusion....)
By exercising authoritative or dominating influence over a person, not only does the manipulator affect the life of their partner but also the lives of his or her friends and or family. (good start!)
Amela,
I can really notice a difference between your first draft and your revision. It is much better and I’ve noted some parts I really liked in the body of your work.
That being said, there’s still much to be done! You’ve done a nice job of refining your focus around control. You define control as having the power to influence one’s behavior or course of events. In your parent example, however, you talk about controlling a child’s viewpoint. Does this really fit in with your definition of control? Until the last example about your friend, you seem to only discuss attempt to controlling a child’s viewpoint, not his/her behavior. Can you adjust your examples to fit your definition and/or your definition to include your examples?
I really liked your example about your friend. It was concrete and specific. Rather than discussing possible behaviors, you shared something that really happened and why it was controlling. Is there a reason why you saved this until the end? If you’ll notice, my main critique in the text for the paragraphs after your intro was wanting to know more and get specific examples from you. I think it could work really well if you take the example about your friend (maybe give him and her fake names so you can easily refer to them) and focus your paper around how it illustrates control. By illustrating what a controlling person looks like through your friend’s story, the audience will be able to understand much better what control means. Whenever you introduce a new notion of control you can pair it with an example about your friend. Alternatively, you could tell your friend’s story and talk about the various behaviors the boyfriend had, explaining why they are problematic. Or you could come up with a different way to organize your paper.
What I would like to see most in your final draft is a fuller illustration of what controlling behavior is. You’ve got a great start and your story about your friend is a great place to build on. Think about it this way: if I were writing a definition paper about cheating on tests in school, I could say “cheating is when a student unethically gets an answer for an assignment or a test” and move on to my next point. Alternatively, I could follow up that statement saying “for example, if a student were to look over at another student’s math test and copy down the work the student had written, that would be cheating. Also, if a student looked up the answer on his/her smart phone when the teacher was not looking, wrote it down and turned in his test that would be cheating.” With the specific examples, which include circumstances and a description of behaviors, it is much more concrete, real and understandable what cheating is. If you go that one extra step and tell us a brief story of manipulative and/or controlling behavior (from your friend’s boyfriend or otherwise) I believe your paper would be much more convincing.
Finally, your conclusion is off to a great start. After that first sentence you may wish to remind us about some main points and restate your thesis, but in different words. The very last sentence of a paper can be the hardest, but the best. In the last statement you want to leave your reader with something to thing about, something to walk away with. Maybe it’s a new idea that’s based on the rest of your paper, or it’s a call for the reader to do something or an explanation why this topic is important. Play around with some ideas; I have faith you’ll figure it out
I’m looking forward to seeing your next and final draft!
Final Definition (posted RHS February 17 -- 171 February 19 )
There are a variety of distresses that can be found in a relationship such as cheating, lying, or just simply arguing. A problematic and even dangerous situation that I've seen, is someone having a boyfriend who is controlling. The term controlling, defined by dictionary.com refers to “one having the power to influence or direct someones behavior. “ I've gotten the misfortune of not only seeing what controlling behavior was, but, how it affected the victim and her loved ones.
The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his thumb at all times. He takes drastic measures such as controlling who, when, and where his girlfriend goes out. He even keeps his girlfriend from seeing her family and friends. In the situation with my friend, Audrey, and her boyfriend, Nick,he was always calling her wanting to know where she was and with whom. It was first considered cute by us that he cared so much about her, but, after a while it got bizarre. Whenever I asked Audrey to hang out with me, her first response was that she needed to call up Nick as if asking for his permission. If that wasn't strange enough, they kept texting back and forth when it was supposed to be just girl time with me and her. When she didn't text back right away, Nick would call her immediately. There were many occasions where I advised Audrey not to pick up. She would hesitate like when someone pulls up to a street where they've never been and second guessing if they should turn left or right. Audrey didn't know if she should answer the phone or let it ring until it eventually went to voice mail. Before Audrey dated Nick, Audrey and I would go out every weekend, but, after she started seeing him I saw less of Audrey each day. When I confronted her about it, she would simply reply that she wanted to spend more time getting to know Nick. It hadn't occurred to me what he was doing to her until our other friends also started complaining about never seeing her. They were all mentioning how whenever they called her she was with Nick. He was slowly taking her away from us, but, controlling who she hung out with wasn't the only way he had impacted her.
Another strategy a controlee uses is the psychological one whereas they use guilt, shame, and intimidation to get her to do exactly what he wants. It took some time to get Audrey to only hang out with him, but, eventually Nick got what he wanted, Audrey all to himself. When she was with me or her other girlfriends, Nick played the guilt card on her. After continuously texting her he would suddenly stop. When she called him he would state how she never wanted to spend time with him only her friends. He was the one who was in a relationship with her and not her friends. Because she began developing feelings for him Audrey yearned to keep him happy. Although Nick always wanted Audrey to himself, there were times where he would take her out in public to teen clubs. Seeing her outside the four walls of her room was a relief to me, but, each week I saw her she would be more covered up. Her excuse was that she wasn't a single girl anymore and therefore, she shouldn't be dressing as if she was. Nick didn't want to have any problems with other guys drooling over her, so had suggested wearing more appropriate clothes when she accompanied him. Seeing Audrey change from wearing her usual bright colored dresses, adorable pumps, and flashing accessories to flats and casual wear reflected on a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, but, instead of the normal process it was switched to a butterfly turning into the the ugly caterpillar. Nick managed to not only dictate who Audrey hung out with but limit what she wore.
The easiest step the controller can take in order for her to follow their orders is to use self harm or even threaten to hurt his partner or any other person around them. Their were many occurrences when Nick called up Audrey blubbering, barking at her how she didn't love him. The real reason wasn't that, it was that Audrey wasn't with Nick and he didn't like the fact that he wasn't examining her every move. He would state how he was going to cut himself and hurt himself because he felt she didn't love him enough to spend more time with him versus her friends. By Nick using this strategy Audrey felt obligated to always having to be with him. If she didn't, she feared he would actually go through with it and would lose Nick forever.
Those who end up developing a controlling behavior eventually lead them to be manipulative. Since their main objective is to alter their girlfriends actions they go through a lot of trouble to make sure they do just that. They are able to predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that later in his favor in getting what he wants. Since Nick wanted Audrey all to himself he figured out things that affects her deeply such as calling her easy by the clothes she wore and saying he was going to hurt himself in order to get his way which was her not hanging out with her other friends. Playing mind tricks on her, Nick was always winning.
By exercising authoritative or dominating influence over a person, not only does the manipulator affect the life of their partner but also the lives of her friends and family. They can use different approaches in getting what they want. This can range from something like controlling who she is with when she's not with him, threatening to hurt himself, his girlfriend, or her loved ones, or even using techniques such as guilt and shame. After seeing the negative affects Nick was doing to Audrey we decided to give her an intervention. We stated the changes we saw in Nick and Audrey once they started dating. Once we explained his behavior and how it wasn't normal Audrey finally gave into our plea in breaking up with him. It was considered the best move for her, and in order to get her social life back together she had to promise to cut all contact with him. This situation not only helped Audrey open her eyes, but, our eyes also to what was considered acceptable in a relationship.
Caitlin's Feedback:
There are a variety of distresses that can be found in a relationship such as cheating, lying, or just simply arguing. A problematic and even dangerous situation that I've seen, is someone having a boyfriend who is controlling. The term controlling, defined by dictionary.com refers to “one having the power to influence or direct someones behavior. “ I've gotten the misfortune of not only seeing what controlling behavior was, but, how it affected the victim and her loved ones.
The drive that creates this type of behavior is based on possession and having the need to have someone under his thumb at all times. (how do we know this?) He takes drastic measures such as controlling who, when, and where his girlfriend goes out. He even keeps his girlfriend from seeing her family and friends. In the situation with my friend, Audrey, and her boyfriend, Nick, he was always calling her wanting to know where she was and with whom. It was first considered cute by us that he cared so much about her, but, after a while it got bizarre. Whenever I asked Audrey to hang out with me, her first response was that she needed to call up Nick as if asking for his permission. ( so? What do you hope the reader will gain from this statement? Is your point coming across clearly?) If that wasn't strange enough, they kept texting back and forth when it was supposed to be just girl time with me and her. When she didn't text back right away, Nick would call her immediately. There were many occasions where I advised Audrey not to pick up. She would hesitate like when someone pulls up to a street where they've never been and second guessing if they should turn left or right (this seems a bit confusing. I think you’re trying to add figurative language, but it just made me unsure of the point you were trying to make. Perhaps stay with more literal language here or clarify your point further). Audrey didn't know if she should answer the phone or let it ring until it eventually went to voice mail (so?). Before Audrey dated Nick, Audrey and I would go out every weekend, but, after she started seeing him I saw less of Audrey each day. When I confronted her about it, she would simply reply that she wanted to spend more time getting to know Nick. It hadn't occurred to me what he was doing to her until our other friends also started complaining about never seeing her. They were all mentioning how whenever they called her she was with Nick. He was slowly taking her away from us, but, controlling who she hung out with wasn't the only way he had impacted her.
Another strategy a controlee (controller. Controlee would refer to the person being controlled, Audrey) uses is the psychological one whereas they use guilt, shame, and intimidation to get her to do exactly what he wants. It took some time to get Audrey to only hang out with him, but, eventually Nick got what he wanted, Audrey all to himself (expand. Are you sharing this to demonstrate what control looks like? Or its harmful effects? Or for another reason?). When she was with me or her other girlfriends, Nick played the guilt card on her. After continuously texting her he would suddenly stop. When she called him he would state how she never wanted to spend time with him only her friends (there are a lot of him/hers in this statement. Can you substitute the pronouns with their names or somehow make it less confusing to work out who was saying what?). He was the one who was in a relationship with her and not her friends (are friendships not relationships? What is the significance of this statement?). Because she began developing feelings for him Audrey yearned to keep him happy. Although Nick always wanted Audrey to himself, there were times where he would take her out in public to teen clubs. (should this be a new paragraph) Seeing her outside the four walls of her room was a relief to me, but, each week I saw her she would be more covered up. Her excuse was that she wasn't a single girl anymore and therefore, she shouldn't be dressing as if she was (why is this problematic? What does this statement teach us about control?). Nick didn't want to have any problems with other guys drooling over her, so had (who suggested?) suggested wearing more appropriate clothes when she accompanied him. Seeing Audrey change from wearing her usual bright colored dresses, adorable pumps, and flashing accessories to flats and casual wear reflected on a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, but, instead of the normal process it was switched to a butterfly turning into the the ugly caterpillar (I would consider playing around with this sentence. Is it clearer or beter sounding if you put the caterpillar metaphor in the first half of the sentence? How does the sentence act if you cut the metaphor and add more description of her outfit, engaging in colors and/or senses?) . Nick managed to not only dictate who Audrey hung out with but limit what she wore (what does this have to do with control?).
The easiest step the controller can take in order for her to follow their orders is to use self harm or even threaten to hurt his partner or any other person around them. Their were many occurrences when Nick called up Audrey blubbering, barking at her how she didn't love him (was he blubbering or barking? When would he do this? Would it be in response to not getting something he wanted from her? In other parts of his life?). The real reason wasn't that, it was that Audrey wasn't with Nick and he didn't like the fact that he wasn't examining her every move (this is a bit wordy. Can you cut some words out in order to make your point clearer?). He would state how he was going to cut himself and hurt himself because he felt she didn't love him enough to spend more time with him versus her friends. By Nick using this strategy Audrey felt obligated to always having to be with him. If she didn't, she feared he would actually go through with it and would lose Nick forever. (Maybe he was playing on her guilt too?)
Those who end up developing a controlling behavior eventually lead them to be manipulative (who leads what?). Since their main objective is to alter their girlfriends actions they go through a lot of trouble to make sure they do just that (can you clarify? This seems a bit hypothetical and makes it difficult to find what you’re getting at…). They are able to predict how a person will react in a certain situation and will be able to use that later in his favor in getting what he wants. Since Nick wanted Audrey all to himself he figured out things that affects her deeply such as calling her easy by the clothes she wore and saying he was going to hurt himself in order to get his way which was her not hanging out with her other friends. Playing mind tricks on her, Nick was always winning. (you’re doing a lot here…)
By exercising authoritative or dominating influence over a person, not only does the manipulator affect the life of their partner but also the lives of her friends and family (good). They can use different approaches in getting what they want. This can range from something like controlling who she is with when she's not with him (how did he do that again? I’ve forgotten already), threatening to hurt himself, his girlfriend, or her loved ones, or even using techniques such as guilt and shame. After seeing the negative affects Nick was doing to Audrey we decided to give her an intervention. We stated the changes we saw in Nick and Audrey once they started dating. Once we explained his behavior and how it wasn't normal (if his behavior was ‘normal’ would you then view it as acceptable?) Audrey finally gave into our plea in breaking up with him (was that controlling of you and your friends? Why (not)?) . It was considered the best move for her, and in order to get her social life back together she had to promise to cut all contact with him. This situation not only helped Audrey open her eyes, but, our eyes also to what was considered acceptable (acceptable? Is this the best word choice?) in a relationship. (what happened next? With Audrey and/or you and your friends? What’s happened since?)
Amela,
Nice work! Your use of your friend’s story was great and definitely engaged me as a reader. I wanted to keep reading your essay to find out what happened and hearing you talk about your friend allowed me to empathize with her experience.
While Audrey and Nick’s story is certainly relevant to the definition of control, I did not see you drawing much on the term. You occasionally (primarily at the beginning of a new paragraph) call Nick a controller, but you don’t reinforce how this story relates to control. Why are these stories being told in your definition of control essay? While I can guess, the reader should not have to. Remember, examples should exist to support claims, which backup your thesis. Your examples are clear, but I am having trouble finding the claims they are supporting. Perhaps make these claims clearer and you will have a stronger argument for what your definition of control is. Even in my first paragraph of this response, I respond directly to your use of your friend’s story, not to your definition of control. It was tough to find your position amongst your great examples.
Another minor point is to consider the different uses of affect/effect. Affect is a verb; my lack of sleep affected my ability to concentrate in class. Effect is a noun; the effect of my sleep deprivation was a difficulty concentrating in class. See the difference? I would look back where you used “affect” or “effect” and make sure you’re using the correct word.
Overall, I think you did a great job. I’m impressed with the amount of work you put into this draft and the way you told your friends’ story. I’m looking forward to continuing this process with your next assignment.
Reflection #1 (posted RHS February 20 -- 171 February 22)
The purpose of my paper was to inform people on control on how it looks like and how it affects more then just the victim. My intended audience was not a specific group of people, just people in general, people who have experienced control in a relationship or to the everyday person to show them the negatives. The exigence of the paper was to show not only how a person can negatively influence another but how controlling behavior affects everyone around the person who is being controlled. I created a tone by actually trying to show how control looks like. I used personal experience to deepen what I was trying to get across.(control affects everyone). A lot of examples also and scenarios that happened, so the reader can picture the different situations. The main theme of my paper is once again, control affects everyone.
Sounds good to me! Do you think you were effective at fulfilling your intended goals, tone, etc.? What could you do better in the next round of papers?
Rough Draft Comparison (posted RHS February 24 -- 171 February 26 )
The practices favored by American parents to influence the actions and character of their offspring have varied from family to family. The main goal of each family is to raise a child who can function properly (is it? What do you mean by properly and is it the same for each family?) in society but how parents go about that goal is often questioned (by whom and for what purpose?). An issue that comes up regularly in raising children is the difference between controlling the child and disciplining the child (I totally agree. But who is this question coming up for? The parents of the child or the child's friends or...? The answer to these questions will help provide context for your writing and for the reader to understand your writing). These can be confused in how it is practiced but there is not question that there is a major difference in the purpose and results (Who can confuse what? how come? what major difference? I think you're touching on something important—perhaps a potential thesis, but I'm wondering what I'm supposed to get out of this statement... how can you more clearly articulate your purpose here?)
Discipline is a positive method of teaching a child self-control and confidence (but what should be considered discipline?). The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for their own behavior and actions. Since the parent wants to help their child grow into a responsible human being they help guide them by developing an understatement between right and wrong. They focus on how the child is behaving in the present time and how the parents wants them to behave in the future (is this the same as knowing right versus wrong?). This process can start off first at what the child is expected and allowed to do to teaching them how to get along with people (how?). This parenting method helps children understand their own behavior better and respect themselves and others.
Control, although it may look like discipline, its a different technique some parents use (what's the relationship between control and discipline? can a controlling parent use discipline? a disciplining parent use methods of control?). They're looked at as the puppet masters since they want to dictate the actions of their child. The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar ideas structures as the parent. The parent usually tends to follow traditional structure they think is right. Even though parents like these also want to raise independent and responsible children they do this buy using highly demanded directions. Parents expect their child to obey them without question because there is no need for an explanation. It's either their way or the high way. The child better behave because they are looked at as representing the parent (but how does control work?).
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as the same thing they are different from each other in many ways. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more and helping guide the child into what is considered the right direction for them. Control, on the other hand, the child has no say in the parenting styles of the parent and must follow the parents directions. The disciplinary and controlling parents might have one thing in common, molding what they believe will be productive adults in society, but there is not doubt that the outcomes of these two parenting styles are quite contrary.
Amela,
I think you have a start here. In this last paragraph I bolded and italicized two sentences that I view as critical to your paper. You define what control is, what discipline is and compare the two. You are very direct in these two sentences so there is no mistaking what you are trying to say. Why have you placed these sentences in your conclusion, rather than earlier in your draft? (P.S. for someone who claimed not to know how to write a conclusion, you wrote a great one here!)
Remember how in the last draft it was easier to understand what you meant by control by using specific examples? Could this tactic be useful again in this essay?
With the exception of the marked sentences in your conclusion, I am unsure of how you are comparing the two concepts right now. You make it clear you view discipline as good "discipline is a positive method..." and you view control as different from discipline. How are they different?
You mention the categories can overlap or one can look like the other, which I think are great points to bring up, but I would love to see expansion on how this can happen/how and why we can tell the difference between discipline and control. What factors go into deciding if something is controlling or just effective forms of discipline? How can you illustrate the distinction?
I am left confused as to what the difference is. This essay may be tricky because can be a fine line between controlling and disciplining (and depending on who you ask you may get a different answer for the same actions). I think you can tackle this tricky topic as long as you in mind the comparison you want to set up and illustrate it in your writing.
Looking forward to your next draft!
Revision Comparison (posted RHS March 2 -- 171 March 4)
How parents prefer to influence their children's actions and character have varied from family to family, but a common goal all parents have is to raise healthy kids, who are emotionally secure, confident, and are capable of making good choices. A parenting issue that comes up regularly by the media and other parents is the difference in controlling and disciplining a child. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more and helping guide the child into what is considered the right direction for them. Control, on the other hand, is were the child has no influence in the way parenting goes and are required to follow the parents directions.
Discipline is used in order to teach a child self-control and confidence. The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for their own behavior and actions. If a child were presented by two options, being able to go see a new movie that just came out with friends or attend the funeral of a grandparent and spend quality time with their family, the child isn't forced to pick one or the other but is expected to make the choice they believe is right. Since the parent wants to help their child grow into a responsible human being they help guide them by developing an understatement between right and wrong. Choosing the movies over the funeral may seem harmless to the child but the parents will assist the child in understanding how his or her actions affected other people around them such as close family. This parenting method helps children understand their own behavior better and respecting themsevles and others.
Control is where the parents are labelled as the puppet masters since they dictate the actions of their children. The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar idea structures as the parent. The parent usualy tend to follow traditional structure they think is right. In the scenario of the child being presented with either going to the movies or going to the funeral, the parents would demand the child be present at the funeral. Instead of talking about why one chioce would be more acceptable then the other the parent would take the route of dictating where the child would be. Even though parents like these also want to raise independent and responsible young adultsthey do this by using highly demanded directions. Parents expect their child to obey them without question because there is no need for an explanation. It's either their way or the high way.
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as having the same traits such as both directing their child's path in life, discipline uses the technique of helping them understand why something is more important then the other and what consequences can surface in both options, while control simply states the only one right answer in the situation. The disciplinary and controlling parent might have one thing in common, molding what hey believe will be productive adults in society , but ther is no doubt that the purpose and result of these two parenting styles are quite contrary.
Caitlin's Feedback :)
How parents prefer to influence their children's actions and character have varied from family to family, but a common goal all parents have is to raise healthy kids, who are emotionally secure, confident, and are capable of making good choices (I would be careful of what is known as sweeping generalizations, saying something is true in all cases. Do absolutely all parents care about raising healthy children? If your answer is no, consider your word choice of ‘all’) A parenting issue that comes up regularly by the media and other parents is the difference in controlling and disciplining a child. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more (more than…? And how do you find communicating?) and helping guide the child into what is considered the right direction for them. Control, on the other hand, is were the child has no influence in the way parenting goes and are required to follow the parents directions (sure, but I have trouble understanding why they have to follow the directions. What makes them controlled? Is it the consequences if they do not do as the parents say? Is it simply the parenting method What would that look like?).
Discipline is used in order to teach a child self-control and confidence. The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for their (when you say the child you are talking about a singular person, their, however, refers to multiple children. So when you use a child, you must use his/her or say children in order to say their. Make sense?) own behavior and actions. If a child were presented by two options, being able to go see a new movie that just came out with friends or attend the funeral of a grandparent and spend quality time with their family, the child isn't forced to pick one or the other but is expected to make the choice they believe is right (are you sure? Could you make the argument then that if a parent forces a child to go to his/her grandparent’s funeral the parent is controlling? Where is line between a parent having the right to tell the child to do something, be it go to a funeral, clean his/her room or feed the dog, versus being controlling?) . Since the parent wants to help their child grow into a responsible human being they help guide them by developing an understatement between right and wrong. Choosing the movies over the funeral may seem harmless to the child but the parents will assist the child in understanding how his or her actions affected other people around them such as close family. This parenting method helps children understand their own behavior better and respecting themsevles and others.
Control is where the parents are labelled as the puppet masters since they dictate the actions of their children. The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar idea structures as the parent (how can you offer evidence for this claim? Academic or personal would do). The parent usualy tend to follow traditional structure they think is right (what do you mean by traditional structure?). In the scenario of the child being presented with either going to the movies or going to the funeral, the parents would demand the child be present at the funeral. Instead of talking about why one chioce would be more acceptable then (remember, then refers to time, than refers to a comparison) the other the parent would take the route of dictating where the child would be. Even though parents like these also want to raise independent and responsible young adultsthey do this by using highly demanded directions (again, is this not the right of a parent to some extent? Is it not necessary for control to be exercised in order to discipline? Where is the line between being disciplinary, controlling, letting a child run free to do whatever she pleases and a child not having any control over her own life?). Parents expect their child to obey them without question because there is no need for an explanation (is this true? What if the child does not obey? What then?). It's either their way or the high way.
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as having the same traits such as both directing their child's path in life, discipline uses the technique of helping them understand why something is more important then the other and what consequences can surface in both options, while control simply states the only one right answer in the situation (this sentence is really long and I got lost in it. Can you maybe make this into two sentences and/or take out unnecessary words?). The disciplinary and controlling parent might have one thing in common, molding what hey believe will be productive adults in society (a note on style, rather than separating this clause by commas, try using dashes—like this—totally up to you, but thought I would throw this idea out to you in case you like the way these look), but ther is no doubt that the purpose and result of these two parenting styles are quite contrary.
Amela,
I am impressed with your revision. You take a more direct approach at addressing the similarities and differences between control and discipline. You bring up your definitions in the introduction and I have a clear understanding where your essay will be going and how it all fits together. Nice work!
Do you understand my questions posed at the end of your intro? I understand that controlling parenting is more, well, controlling, than disciplinary. But this is still a bit abstract for me to understand how you’re defining controlling parents. What does controlling parenting look like?
There are many questions I’ve asked in the body of your work that seek to get you to expand. Again, you’re definitely making progress, but there’s much to be done. I understand that you’re trying to make the two categories clean cut so they can be better understood, but I have a feeling they are not as separate as you make them out to be.
Consider where control and discipline overlap. Just because a child is presented with a choice between the ‘wrong’ and ‘right’ thing doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll choose the right thing. What happens then? Is it acceptable for a parent to control the child’s actions and get her to do her chores/brush her teeth/go to school/eat her vegetables, etc.? I certainly don’t have the answer to this question, but I do think it is really important for you to consider where a line is, if there is one. Perhaps explore this idea in your final draft? Up to you, but just consider the effects including and not including the relationship between control/discipline, controlling parenting/controlling actions has on your draft.
Finally, there are a few times where you simply used the wrong words. I have bolded and underlined these words in the text for you. I am unsure whether you missed these errors or you thought you were using the correct word. If you have any questions let me know. I’ve also marked misspellings in the same way.
Keep up the good work!
Final Comparison (posted RHS March 9 -- 171 March 11)
How parents prefer to influence their child's actions and character have varied from family to family, but a common goal parents have is to raise healthy kids, who are emotionally secure, confident, and are capable of making good choices once they enter the real world. A parenting issue that comes up regularly by the media and other parents is the difference in controlling and disciplining a child. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more; talking through why some decisions are better then others and helping in guiding the child into what is considered the right path for them. Control is where the child has no influence in decisions, because they are already made for them by the parent. A child who has controlling parents usually ends up not being able to make choices for themselves since they never had while growing up.
Even though some people argue that discipline and control can overlap one another in certain situations, one being when a child is asked if he or she wants to eat their vegetables and they say no, but end up eating it because their parents say to, a controlling parent-in my eyes- isn't considered controlling until they develop that recurring behavior of dictating their child's behavior and actions. Therefore, the characteristics of discipline and control are different.
Discipline is used in order to teach a child self-control and confidence. The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for his or her own behavior and actions. Discipline can start from a young age such as prohibiting the child hitting another child in elementary school and lead up all the way to young adulthood; staying out until a certain curfew. Since it can be advocated from a young age, this consistent structure and teaching of discipline teaches the child their parents desirable behaviors.
For instance, when a little kid is caught eating a cookie before dinner, the parent might not give the child dessert after dinner in order to reflect that the parent dislikes that behavior, therefore the child will then learn not to keep repeating that action. Because the child learns certain rules and the consequences associated with them from a young age, it's possible that that responsibility will carry on with them through adulthood in learning the societies acceptance of behaviors.
Control is where the parents are labeled as the puppet masters since they dictate the actions of their children. The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar idea structures as the parent both what is academically and personally acceptable by the parent, whether its grades received in schools or how actions and behaviors are executed. Since the parent is only focused on what they think and know is right, the child is expected to only live up to their parents expectations; certain ideas and behaviors. This too can be expressed in children in elementary all the way up to young adulthood. When the child goes off to school and the parent constantly chooses what the child has to wear, this limits the growth of learning what is considered right and what is wrong since the parent already provides what is to be worn. Another instance would be as the child gets older and starts being social with their friends in wanting to go out more, the parent dictates when the child will be able to go. Instead of the child choosing places to go, the parent does that for them. This certain parenting style will handicap the child in experiencing the wider world and being able to develop their own unique ideas and choices.
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as having the same traits such as both directing their child's path in life. Discipline uses the technique of helping them understand why something is important and what consequences can surface in certain situations, while control simply states only one view, the parents. The disciplinary and controlling parent might have one thing in common-molding what they believe will be productive adults in society, but discipline uses an open mind whereas control uses restrictive.
Caitlin's Response
How parents prefer to influence their child's actions and character have varied from family to family, but a common goal parents have is to raise healthy kids, who are emotionally secure, confident, and are capable of making good choices once they enter the real world. A parenting issue that comes up regularly by the media and other parents is the difference in controlling and disciplining a child. Nice work. I feel this revised beginning of your intro still gets your point across without expecting all parents to have the same parenting philosophy. Discipline focuses on communicating with the child more; talking through why some decisions are better then others and helping in guiding the child into what is considered the right path for them. Can you take some words out so your sentence is more concise? Have you read this essay aloud? Doing so may make it easier to see where you can take words out and improve your clarity. Control is where the child has no influence in decisions, because they are already made for them by the parent. A child who has controlling parents usually ends up not being able to make choices for themselves since they never had while growing up. Thesis?
Even though some people argue that discipline and control can overlap one another in certain situations, one being when a child is asked if he or she wants to eat their vegetables and they say no, but end up eating it because their parents say to, a controlling parent-in my eyes- isn't considered controlling until they develop that recurring behavior of dictating their child's behavior and actions.I have trouble following this long sentence. Perhaps consider making your point then offering the example or offering the example and then analyzing it to make your point. Here, it seems you're making your point and offering the example all within the same sentence. That being said, you give a great explanation that you view control as a recurring behavior dictating a child's behavior and actions. Therefore, the characteristics of discipline and control are different.
Discipline is used in order to teach a child self-control and confidence. Is this the only reason discipline is used? The reason for discipline is to help the child take responsibility for his or her own behavior and actions. Again, is this the only reason? Discipline can start from a young age such as prohibiting the child from (?) hitting another child in elementary school and lead up all the way to young adulthood; staying out until a certain curfew. Since it can be advocated from a young age, this consistent structure and teaching of discipline teaches the child their parents desirable behaviors.
(is this a new paragraph?) For instance, when a little kid is caught eating a cookie before dinner, the parent might not give the child dessert after dinner in order to reflect that the parent dislikes that behavior, therefore the child will then learn not to keep repeating that action. what if the child continues to eat cookies before dinner? what then? Because the child learns certain rules and the consequences associated with them from a young age, it's possible that that responsibility will carry on with them through adulthood in learning the societies acceptance of behaviors. Do you think disciplining one behavior can have that much of a profound effect?
Control is where the parents are labeled as the puppet masters since they dictate the actions of their children. Could it be useful to extend this metaphor? Discuss the children as the puppets, why the children are like puppets, etc? The focus of this method is for the child to develop similar idea structures (what do you mean by idea structures?) as the parent both what is academically and personally acceptable by the parent, whether its grades received in schools or how actions and behaviors are executed (are you listing ideas here? How do they fit together?). Since the parent is only focused on what they think and know is right (do they think or know they are right?) , the child is expected to only live up to their parents (don't forget the apostrophe, it is important to show possession) expectations; certain ideas and behaviors. This too can be expressed in children in elementary all the way up to young adulthood. When the child goes off to school and the parent constantly chooses what the child has to wear, this limits the growth of learning what is considered right and what is wrong since the parent already provides what is to be worn (what do you mean by right versus wrong in terms of clothing?). Another instance would be as the child gets older and starts being social with their friends in wanting to go out more, the parent dictates when the child will be able to go. Instead of the child choosing places to go, the parent does that for them. This certain parenting style will handicap the child in experiencing the wider world and being able to develop their own unique ideas and choices. (so are you saying you think the child should be able to go wherever s/he wants? I'm left considering if there is a middle ground or an alternative? Are the only two choices to allow children free reign or to control their every move?)
Raising children certainly doesn't come with a guide book and each parent has a different idea on how to go about preparing their child for the real world. Even though control and discipline can occasionally be characterized as having the same traits such as both directing their child's path in life (this sentence is missing its other half. "Even though" starts off a dependent clause. For example: "even though my friends are going to lunch right now, I'm doing homework." It wouldn't make sense if I just said "even though my friends are going to lunch right now." Does this rule make sense?). Discipline uses the technique of helping them (who's them?) understand why something is important and what consequences can surface in certain situations, while control simply states only one view, the parents (I like this idea of control as showing only one view, the parents' or parent's. Can you explore this further here or elsewhere in your paper?). The disciplinary and controlling parent might have one thing in common-molding what they believe will be productive adults in society, but discipline uses an open mind whereas control uses restrictive (restrictive what?).
Amela,
You're getting there. I think you've made some really good improvements on this draft of you comparison essay. You've more clearly offered a distinction between control and discipline: "control is where the child has no influence in decisions, because they are already made for them by the parent" and discipline " focuses on communicating with the child more." You are also being more inclusive by avoiding words that discuss what all parents want, etc.
As you can see, there's quite a bit I commented on this time around and a lot of it is one new content. While it is certainly important to respond to feedback I've offered and you've considered for yourself, don't let this distract you from having a careful eye about the new content you've added. Remember to read your work aloud and be critical of all parts of the essay, both revisions, new content and the content that has thus far stayed the same.
In terms of examples, remember that often depth is better than breadth. What I mean that is to take the time to explain your examples. To examine them and illustrate what purpose they fulfill. How are they furthering the point you're trying to make? How does the example and your analysis support your overall thesis or argument? Sometimes, particularly in paragraph 4, it seems you were listing instances/examples that you see fit your discussion of control. While it's fine to use multiple examples, make sure you're giving each one justice.
As you get ready to approach your final assignment in this series, I'd like you to think about a few things. What do you wish to get out of this process, of our partnership? What do you want to improve on or learn? What writing practices or considerations have you already learned through this process and are you taking care to apply this knowledge in each draft and assignment you complete? Perhaps, if you see them to be relevant, you can answer some of these questions in your reflection.
Overall, I think you've been improving after each revision. Just remember to apply what you've been working on so you can continue this furthering of your writing ability!
Reflection #2 (RHS March 16 -- 171 March 25)
The purpose of my paper was compare and contrast controlling and disciplinary behavior through parenting and how its different from each other. The exigence of the paper was to explain (I think in greater depth) how control and discipline is different from each other and explain how its contrary. I used examples and details to back up some of what I had written. My intended audience would be to parents since I kind of addressed them in the beginning, saying how parents want one thing and their the ones who worry about the difference between discipline and control. I created tone by using examples and situations in what a controlling parent would do and what a disciplinary parent would do.
You've helped alot, and i want to say thank you ! (:
I think it's really interesting that your intended audience would have been parents. Did you realize this as you were writing? How did/could this knowledge influence the way in which you wrote the comparison? Keeping things like this in mind as you write future papers will probably prove very helpful.
You're welcome! I'm so glad I am helpful :)
Rough Draft Argument (posted RHS April 6 -- 171 April 8)
Not enough being done
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a study over the last twenty years about the problem of under reporting of domestic violence incidents. Ever since the 1920's, many domestic cases were turned away for the lack of offense that would be prosecuted. Therefore, many of the women who were being abused didn't report anything, thinking they wouldn't be believed. Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It can be considered emotional, verbal, or sexual. Even though there has been some improvement in raising awareness for domestic violence, there still needs to be more stricter punishments' and laws against domestic abuse cases.
It is stated that one out of every three women will be abused some point in their life time, whether it's physically or emotionally. If we want those numbers to diminish, then more action need to be taken on stopping the violence. Even though most of these cases occur behind closed door with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know a women who has been abused by her husband in the past year, but haven't reported anything to the police. If this kind of behavior continues, it wont be considered as threatening as before. By not helping the victims in the situation, the percent of women who are killed trying to leave the relationship will only rise.
The main cause of injury to women is from battering, which exceeds all the other claims of rapes, muggings, and auto accidents. Approximately seventy percent of women are killed each year due to their batterer when trying to leave the abusive relationship.
Because of the lack of punishment that is being executed by law enforcements, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home where children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic violence each year. By the children witnessing this they engage in the repeating that same cycle of abuse. Seeing their father being abusive with their mother will only increase the risk factor of continuing the violent behavior from one generation to the next.
Even though some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to domestic abuse cases in order to try to stop abuse from happening, the abuse still continues to happen more and more everyday. Since the police departments are too occupied with cases that are considered more endangering, it allows the domestic abuse to continue and get worse. Because of that, there are getting to be more cases of domestic abuse that go unsolved or not being dealt with.
In order to eventually stop and prevent from any more domestic abuse cases from occurring there needs to be more dedicated police officers where they will keep up with the cases that are happening and continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic violence under control and to keep it that way.
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Caitlin's Response:According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a study over the last twenty years about the problem of under reporting of domestic violence incidents. Ever since the 1920's, many domestic cases were turned away for the lack of offense that would be prosecuted (I'm confused, what does this mean?). Therefore, many of the women who were being abused didn't report anything, thinking they wouldn't be believed (is that really the reasons? What could be other reasons? Did you get this as the reason from the survey or did you think of it on your own?) . Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It can be considered emotional, verbal, or sexual (there's also financial abuse, controlling someone's access to money and/or resources). Even though there has been some improvement in raising awareness for domestic violence (from/to what?), there still needs to be more stricter punishments' and laws against domestic abuse cases. What do you mean by laws against domestic abuse cases? It almost sounds as if you want it to be more difficult for these cases to be tried.
It is stated (by whom?) that one out of every three women will be abused some point in their life time, whether it's physically or emotionally (in America? the world? what about sexually? since this is a direct stat please cite your source). If we (who is we?) want those numbers to diminish, then more action needs to be taken on stopping the violence (how might that occur?). Even though most of these cases occur behind closed door with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know a women who has been abused by her husband in the past year (source?), but haven't reported anything to the police. If this kind of behavior continues, it wont be considered as threatening as before (why not? where's your evidence?). By not helping the victims in the situation, the percent of women who are killed trying to leave the relationship will only rise (what percent is this?).
(is this supposed to be a new paragraph? I can't tell...)The main cause of injury to women is from battering, which exceeds all the other claims of rapes, muggings, and auto accidents (what's battering?). Approximately seventy percent of women are killed each year due to their batterer when trying to leave the abusive relationship. (seventy percent of all women? clarify statistic)
Because of the lack of punishment that is being executed (w/c) by law enforcements (people in law enforcement or the laws themselves or...?), domestic abuse still continues to occur at home where children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic violence each year. By the children witnessing this they engage in the repeating that same cycle of abuse. Seeing their father being abusive with their mother will only increase the risk factor of continuing the violent behavior from one generation to the next. (these are some really controversial claims. there is plenty of research that supports and does not support the notion that children coming from an abusive household become abusive... I'm worried you're over simplifying and stating possibilities as facts.)
Even though some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to domestic abuse cases in order to try to stop abuse from happening, the abuse still continues to happen more and more everyday (does it?). Since the police departments are too occupied with cases that are considered more endangering, it allows the domestic abuse to continue and get worse (says who?). Because of that, there are getting to be more cases of domestic abuse that go unsolved or not being dealt with. (what would being dealt with look like? abusers being locked up? victims getting out? children getting displaced? laws changing? something else?)
In order to eventually stop and prevent from any more domestic abuse cases from occurring there needs to be more dedicated police officers where they will keep up with the cases that are happening and continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic violence under control and to keep it that way.
Amela,
The quality of writing here is pretty good. I would recommend you reread your piece aloud and you'll probably catch some of the wordy/awkward sentences, but for the most part I had no trouble understanding what you were trying to say. Very nice.
This being said, I'm concentrating here primarily on content. domestic violence is a complicated issue and i'm worried you're oversimplifying a lot of it. Here are some major questions for you to consider and the answers will probably effect the way your make your argument.
Why do you call it domestic abuse and not domestic violence?
What are you arguing for? Are you trying to get the audience do something? What?
How would police being more responsive actually lessen domestic abuse?
Why this approach rather than another approach to ending the violence? (i.e. education about healthy relationships, etc.)
There is no right/wrong answer to these questions as long as you can backup your answer with solid evidence. Make sure you cite your sources (where do these statistics come from?).
I'd like to see you critically consider what your argument is, how you are and could be better supporting it and be more argumentative. Make sure your argument is cohesive and you're not assuming your reader knows much about the subject.
Looking forward to reading the next draft.
Revision Argument (posted RHS April 13 -- 171 April 15)
There's not enough being done
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a rise in the amount of domestic violence against women not being reported. During the 1920's, many domestic cases were turned away because of the lack of evidence that was associated with them. Therefore, many of the women who were abused did not report anything not only because of the fear they had for their husbands, but the fear of not being believed by police officials. Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It generally consists of emotional, verbal, and/or sexual abuse. This problem is continuously growing, and the only way American can stop this is by speaking up for abused women, proposing stricter laws, and urging police officials to pay more attention.
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in their life time, whether being physically or emotionally (Domestic Abuse Shelter of the Florida Keys, n.d). If Americans want those numbers to diminish, then America needs to take a stand, and acknowledge that this is a growing issue. Actually take the time in speaking out for abused women, instead of being silent. Even though most of these cases occur behind closed doors with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know a women who has been abused by her husband in the past year, but have not reported anything (Domestic Abuse Shelter of the Florida Keys, n.d). If this kind of behavior continues, then the amount of domestic cases will only rise, and not much will be done in order to stop them. By not helping the victims in these situations, the percentage of women who are killed trying to leave their relationship will go from seventy percent to a much higher number.
Because of the lack of punishments enforced by police officials, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home which posses a problem when children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic abuse each year (American Institute on Domestic Violence, 2001). The children witnessing this, engage in repeating the same cycle of abuse later in their adulthood. Seeing their father engage in abusive behavior towards their mother increases the risk factor of continuing that violent behavior from one generation to the next.
Even though some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to abuse cases, the abuse still continues to go unreported and unsolved. Most police departments are too occupied with other cases that are considered more endangering, such as murder and burglary. The low attention these cases get allows more domestic abuse to continue while at the same time, go unsolved. Police officials need to spend more time sentencing the abusers, and less time investigating them. By considering domestic abuse as equal to a crime as murder, and by giving them the same jail sentences, it will decrease the amount of abusers. Domestic abuse will not be taken seriously by the people unless it's taken seriously by the police.
In order to eventually stop and prevent any more domestic abuse cases from occurring, there needs to be more dedicated police officers. Police officers who will keep up with the cases that are happening and continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic abuse under control, and to keep it that way.
Caitlin's Feedback
There's not enough being done
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a rise in the amount of domestic violence against women not being reported. During the 1920's, many domestic cases were turned away because of the lack of evidence that was associated with them. Therefore, many of the women who were abused did not report anything not only because of the fear they had for (of?) their husbands, but the fear of not being believed by police officials.(interesting! Good. My only concern is that 1920s might be too far back. many things have changed since the 1920s... has there been an increase in DV reporting since say the 90s or early 2000s?) Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It generally consists of emotional, verbal, and/or sexual abuse. (Nice, direct, accessible and accurate definition!) This problem is continuously growing, and the only way Americans can stop this (what's 'this,' feel free to restate the 'this' so I know exactly what you're referring to) is by speaking up for abused women (can they not speak up for themselves? Where do they fit into this?), proposing stricter laws, and urging police officials to pay more attention (could they be paying attention and still not doing anything about it? how does this fit into your overall argument). I know I had a lot to say, but this is a really good intro! You gave me interesting info, facts, a definition and a clear thesis. I'm impressed!
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in their life time, whether being physically or emotionally (Domestic Abuse Shelter of the Florida Keys, n.d) (reread this statement. are you missing a word?). If Americans want those numbers to diminish, then America (the country itself or its citizens?) needs to take a stand, and acknowledge that this is a growing issue. Actually take the time in speaking out for abused women, instead of being silent (what does it mean to speak out for women? can you explain?). Even though most of these cases occur behind closed doors with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know (is there a reason you said 'claim to know' and not just 'know'? Did it come from your source or did you just choose to phrase it that way? are there consequences to having the word 'claim' in there?) a women who has been abused by her husband in the past year, but have not reported anything (who didn't report? the victim or the friend?) (Domestic Abuse Shelter of the Florida Keys, n.d). If this kind of behavior continues, then the amount of domestic cases will only rise, and not much will be done in order to stop them (can you prove this?). By not helping the victims in these situations, the percentage of women who are killed trying to leave their relationship will go from seventy percent to a much higher number (again, can you prove this? you touch on an important point that many women end up being killed trying to leave their relationship. this seems to come out of nowhere. Perhaps you can set up this more?).
Because of the lack of punishments enforced by police officials, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home which posses a problem when children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic abuse each year (American Institute on Domestic Violence, 2001). The children witnessing this, engage in repeating the same cycle of abuse later in their adulthood. Seeing their father engage in abusive behavior towards their mother increases the risk factor of continuing that violent behavior from one generation to the next. (This paragraph seems to be establishing why this issue is important. is this the best spot for the paragraph in your essay?)
Even though some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to abuse cases, the abuse still continues to go unreported and unsolved (okay, so why might they say that? you can certainly bring up a counter argument for your point, but if you do, you need to explain why we should not believe it, otherwise you're just taking away from your argument. make sense?). Most police departments are too occupied with other cases that are considered more endangering, such as murder and burglary (how do you know this?). The low attention these cases get allows more domestic abuse to continue while at the same time, go unsolved. Police officials need to spend more time sentencing the abusers, and less time investigating them (but don't they need to establish the case that the abusers are actually abusive?). By considering domestic abuse as equal to a crime as murder, and by giving them the same jail sentences, it will decrease the amount of abusers (wow. this is a bold point. Can you explain this more? there's nothing wrong with being this bold as long as you back it up, try and convince the reader, argue your point). Domestic abuse will not be taken seriously by the people unless it's taken seriously by the police. (great point!)
In order to eventually stop and prevent any more domestic abuse cases from occurring, there needs to be more dedicated police officers (do you think there are no dedicated police officers then? if you think there are some, where do they fit in with your argument?). Police officers who will keep up with the cases that are happening and continuing to happen. (fragment) They need to respond and take on the fullest actions (what are 'the fullest actions'?) they can to get domestic abuse under control, and to keep it that way.
Amela,
You're getting there! Your intro was really nice, it included an interesting fact, a definition of DV and a clear thesis. You're making engaging points and illustrate you've thought about this subject.
One major component of your essay I think is crucial to your argument development is how the rate of DV is directly related to what you have to say about the police. I get that you're making the argument that domestic violence should be stopped and that police should pay more attention/people should report it more, but the argument would be a lot stronger if you made this link more explicit. Why are these two points connected? Make sure the different components of your argument are related to one another and you explain this relationship. Don't leave the reader to connect too many of the dots.
Also, why did you choose the source from the Florida Keys? It is unclear to me whether it's a website or an article (something else?) based on your citation. Are you used to in-text citations? Would you consider writing up your resources in some kind of format? I'm not sure if your teacher would require that (maybe something you should look into if you don't know either) but I know I wanted to read more about what your references had to say but was unable to because you didn't offer a full citation... just a thought.
I offered lots of feedback this time and I hope it comes to you as constructive and helpful. You've got a good backbone for the argument, now develop your points, reinforce the argument you're trying to make and I think you'll be good to go!
Final Argument (posted RHS April 20 -- 171 April 23)
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a rise in the amount of domestic violence against women not being reported. During the 1920's when domestic violence cases first started to surface, many of the cases were turned away because of the lack of evidence that was associated with them. That statement is still true today. Stated on LegalMatch.com, 27% of the victims of domestic violence in the past twelve months did not report the incident to the police. Many of the women who were abused did not report anything because of their main fear in not being believed by the police officials, and the women potentially causing more harm to be inflected on them by their husbands. Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It generally consists of emotional, verbal, and/or sexual abuse. These cases going unreported is continuously growing, and the only way Americans can stop this is is by speaking up for those who are afraid to, proposing stricter laws, and urging police officials to take more actions in stopping it.
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in their life time, whether being physically or emotionally. If Americans want those numbers to diminish, then Americans needs to take a stand, and acknowledge that this is a growing issue. They need to take the time in speaking out for abused women, instead of being silent. One of the main reasons domestic violence cases go unreported is because the victims are driven by fear not to tell, the fear being, the victims creating more harm to themselves by their partner. If more people were to speak up for those victims, then the awareness rate would eventually go up. Even though most of these cases occur behind closed doors with no one watching, thirty percent of Americans claim to know a woman who has been abused by her husband in the past year, and have not reported anything . If this kind of behavior continues, then the amount of domestic cases going unreported will only rise. By not helping the victims speak up and end their relationship, the women will try to end it in another way, and in result of this, the percentage of women who are killed trying to leave their relationship will go from seventy percent to a much higher number.
Because of the lack of effort and punishments enforced by police officials, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home, which posses a problem when children are present. It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic abuse each year. The children witnessing this, engage in repeating the same cycle of abuse later in their adulthood. Seeing their father engage in abusive behavior towards their mother increases the risk factor of continuing that violent behavior from one generation to the next. For the police officer to not take matters into their own hands, sending the abuser back home
Some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to abuse cases, but the abuse still continues to go unreported and unsolved. Most police departments tend to be occupied with other cases that are considered more endangering to society rather then just a household, such as murder and burglary. The low attention domestic violence cases gets allows more of it to continue, while at the same time, go unsolved. Police officials need to spend more time sentencing the abusers, and putting them behind bars, and less time letting the abuser of the hook. If police officials considered domestic abuse as equal to a crime as murder, over time, the amount of abuse would decrease because of the its long jail sentence. About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence, and for police officials not to convict the abuser right at that moment, it only increases the amount of murders that occur between spouses where the offender should have been in jail or under more strict supervision by the law enforcement officials. Police officials need to start being more aggressive towards these cases. Domestic abuse will not be taken seriously by the people unless it is taken seriously by the police.
In order to eventually stop and prevent any more domestic abuse cases from occurring, there needs to be more police officers who are willing to be involved in these household disputes, keeping up with the cases that are happening and are continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic abuse under control, and to keep it that way. Not reporting the claims, and not taking actions in arresting the abuser will only continue the rise of deaths in women due to domestic violence. In order for it to stop, the law enforcement officials need to step their game up and pose more stricter punishments when it comes to domestic violence.
Florida Keys. Information on Domestic Violence. Domestic Abuse Shelter, n.d Fri. 6 April. 2012 ,from <http://www.domesticabuseshelter.org/InfoDomesticViolence.htm>
Ramsey Hanafi. Over One-Forth of Domestic Violence Incidents Go Unreported. LegalMatch, 22 April 2009. Fri. 20 April. 2012 ,from <http://lawblog.legalmatch.com/2009/04/22/over-one-fourth-of-domestic-violence-incidents-go-unreported/)
Caitlin's Final Revision:
According to the National Crime Victimization Survey, there has been a rise in the amount of domestic violence against women not being reported. During the 1920's when domestic violence cases first started to surface, many of the cases were turned away because of the lack of evidence that was associated with them. (ah, now I understand why you pointed to the 20s. Nice) That statement is still true today. Stated on LegalMatch.com, 27% of the victims of domestic violence in the past twelve months did not report the incident to the police. Many of the women who were abused did not report anything because of their main fear in not being believed by the police officials, and the women potentially causing more harm to be inflected on them by their husbands (really wordy and I'm not sure all your verb tenses/conjugations match up. I'd definitely reread this sentence and clarify what your trying to say. Semicolons or periods may be useful). Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior used to gain power and control over another person in a relationship. It generally consists of emotional, verbal, and/or sexual abuse. These cases (?) going unreported is continuously growing, and the only way Americans can stop this is is by speaking up for those who are afraid to (but I thought you just mentioned sometimes women endure more violence when they speak up.. Couldn't the same thing happen if another person spoke up for him/her?), proposing stricter laws, and urging police officials to take more actions in stopping it (stopping what?).
One out of every three women will be abused at some point in their (her) life time, whether being physically or emotionally. If Americans want those numbers to diminish, then Americans needs to take a stand, and acknowledge that this is a growing issue. Why is the focus on Americans? They need to take the time in speaking out for abused women, instead of being silent. One of the main reasons domestic violence cases go unreported is because the victims are driven by fear not to tell, the fear being, the victims creating more harm to themselves by their partner. If more people were to speak up for those victims, then the awareness rate would eventually go up. Okay, but what happens for the women who have been abused? Awareness might not help those who are already victims... Even though most of these cases occur behind closed doors with no one watching (behind closed doors/with no one watching mean the same thing. include only one of these phrases to be concise), thirty percent of Americans claim to know a woman who has been abused by her husband in the past year, and have not reported anything . If this kind of behavior continues, then the amount of domestic cases going unreported will only rise (why? why wouldn't they just stay the same?). By not helping the victims speak up and end their relationship, the women will try to end it in another way (i'm confused... how will they try and end it?), and in result of this, the percentage of women who are killed trying to leave their relationship will go from seventy percent to a much higher number (how? why? and how would speaking out make it safer to end/leave a relationship?).
Because of the lack of effort and punishments enforced by police officials, domestic abuse still continues to occur at home, which posses a problem when children are present (run on). It is reported that 8.8 million children witness domestic abuse each year. The children witnessing this, engage in repeating the same cycle of abuse later in their adulthood. Seeing their father engage in abusive behavior towards their mother increases the risk factor of continuing that violent behavior from one generation to the next. Where did you find the information for this claim? This is a very controversial issue and you seem to present it as if it is proven and accepted that children who witness abuse become abusers or victims in the future. For the police officer to not take matters into their own hands, sending the abuser back home (rest of your sentence?)
Some can say that police officers do everything in their power to respond to abuse cases, but the abuse still continues to go unreported and unsolved. Most police departments tend to be occupied with other cases that are considered more endangering to society rather then just a household, such as murder and burglary (evidence?). The low attention domestic violence cases gets allows more of it to continue, while at the same time, go unsolved What do you mean 'unsolved?' are case going unsolved and continuing to occur related or separate? I cannot tell based on how this sentence is phrased. . Police officials need to spend more time sentencing the abusers, and putting them behind bars, and less time letting the abuser of the hook. If police officials considered domestic abuse as equal to a crime as murder, over time, the amount of abuse would decrease because of the its long jail sentence (are you sure? would it truly stop the abuse?). About 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence, and for police officials not to convict the abuser right at that moment, it only increases the amount of murders that occur between spouses where the offender should have been in jail or under more strict supervision by the law enforcement officials (I cannot understand what you're trying to say here. please reread and clarify.). Police officials need to start being more aggressive towards these cases. Domestic abuse will not be taken seriously by the people (what people?) unless it is taken seriously by the police. Is this consistent with your argument for the people to get the police to take the issue seriously? I would be careful here, it seems like you're on the edge of a which came first argument here.
In order to eventually stop and prevent any more domestic abuse cases from occurring, there needs to be more police officers who are willing to be involved in these household disputes, keeping up with the cases that are happening and are continuing to happen. They need to respond and take on the fullest actions they can to get domestic abuse under control, and to keep it that way. Not reporting the claims, and not taking actions in arresting the abuser will only continue the rise of deaths in women due to domestic violence. In order for it to stop, the law enforcement officials need to step their game up and pose more stricter punishments when it comes to domestic violence.
Works Cited
Florida Keys. Information on Domestic Violence. Domestic Abuse Shelter, n.d Fri. 6 April. 2012 ,from <http://www.domesticabuseshelter.org/InfoDomesticViolence.htm>
Ramsey Hanafi. Over One-Forth of Domestic Violence Incidents Go Unreported. LegalMatch, 22 April 2009. Fri. 20 April. 2012 ,from <http://lawblog.legalmatch.com/2009/04/22/over-one-fourth-of-domestic-violence-incidents-go-unreported/>
Amela,
The structure of this essay is very good. It follows a logical progression and your transitions are smooth. In this way your paper is well written.
At the same time, I still think you have a lot to work on before I would turn in the final draft. For one, a lot of your tenses, and plural versus singular forms are inconsistent. These are small errors but there a lot of them in your piece and it makes it difficult to read sometimes. I would encourage you to read through every single word in this and make sure it's the right word. Read it aloud so you don't just read it how it should sound, but how it's actually written. Make sense?
I think you've tried to make the connection between the police and stopping dv clearer. I think this is good because it helps to strengthen your argument. While you've mentioned them in relation to one another, which is definitely a step in the right direction, I am still having trouble seeing the link between police efforts and ending domestic violence. WHy would increased arrests/jailing, police attention, etc. to this issue actually stop domestic abuse? If someone truly wanted to abuse his/her partner, would the threat of it being illegal actually stop him/her?
I encourage you to reread your essay as it stands as well as my comments and to make some changes before you turn it in. What you have going on is for sure a big step in the right direction and I think it would turn out REALLY well if you just carefully revised the paper one last time.
Best,
Caitlin
Reflection #3 (posted RHS April 23)
The purpose of my paper was to get the audience to view domestic violence as badly as I do. The exigence of the paper was to infrom them about it, I used statistics and I tried put in pathos (the children seeing domestic violence). I created tone by using statistics and details about hos domestic violence needs to be stopped.
I liked this project that we did and your advice helped a lot. (: It was cool that you felt about D.V like i did, so it was easy to connect (: ..